2015-04-24 - 7:32 p.m.
I can't pretend I am pretty and young anymore. I try to. I try to get prettier and younger sometimes...mostly by way of exercise. But I can't even barely do that anymore. I have been huffing n puffing at 1.5 miles (I do intervals of walking n jogging). Last night, I tried to push myself to do over 2 miles. I did 2.3 miles but it never feels like I am doing good enough. Mainly, because I get winded n feel like I am dying all night afterward. There may have been some culprits that came in to play...such as eating stuffed crust pizza right before I went, or not stretching, etc. but I had to use a shower chair that we had hanging around from when my daughter broke her foot. Because when I feel that way, I can't even fathom standing in a shower. The heat and balancing get very overwhelming. I think it is the lupus making me feel like shit.
One thing I haven't done in awhile is wear makeup. I probably need to, but I hate how it feels on my face n it is a waste of money that I don't have. So fuck that.
Basically what I am getting at is I feel like my boyfriend checks out girls on Instagram because he gets to see something I am not. I mean, I don't have a slamming body, I lie around a lot when I am not pushing myself to get winded outside (meaning I am not very exciting), n it is ok sometimes cuz I check Vic secret models too out on Instagram cuz they are so skinny, I want to look like them n I try to get inspiration from them, yet I like to eat. But today, he showed me this waitress that he usually has at this one restaurant. It irked me cuz I don't stare at anyone local. Local is more of a possibility, in my eyes.
I just feel like I try to get skinnier n hotter but if I don't have big boobs or wear makeup, that stuff is not gonna make anything better. I almost died (it felt like) last night, busting my ass when I will never look like anyone my boyfriend follows on any social network. Part of me doesn't care, but part of me does.
