2015-06-01 - 6:02 p.m.
I have had to pay a lot of attention to my butthole as of late. It started with me wanting to "see how skinny I can get" ...and this quoted area should be read in the brattiest fucking voice u can muster. So I buy this sore to the core thing cuz the maker, Alexa, is so fucking skinny and inspiring, fitness-wise. I found her on Instagram where I go to get really skinny inspiring bitches to make me feel bad about myself into trying to exercise. So I follow most of her regimen but apparently I do the regimen where u struggle a lot and breathe wrong and have bad form, so much so, that u blow out ur butthole. I mean, literally, blow out ur asshole so that the hemorrhoids u got twenty yrs ago from having ur first baby, ok 19 yrs ago...my oldest is 19, christ almighty. Yeah, so those hemorrhoids started feeling a little irritated. The abs program was four weeks long and I made it to week 3.2. It was a Monday and the irritation started Saturday before that and I kept my walking/jogging thing going thru the irritation...cuz I'm badass. Not.
As I type this I am lying here on my side. The only position that my asshole doesn't get angry in. Don't look at my grammar. So, Monday, it was a holiday and I think I may have looked at my ass in the mirror (requires some yoga) n thought, is that redness n swelling? Tuesday, I went back to work, but I work from home. But I started around 9 n then by 4, I couldn't sit anymore. I had to log off. I had already pooped once that day so I thought things were ok. There was no blood, yet. And the turd was pretty big so I thought ok, things still fit thru there.
Tues night I had to make my boyfriend buy some hemorrhoid cream. Monday, I had already bought Tucks wipes. Wednesday, I woke up. I called in sick because I couldn't sit/stand/walk/lie without pain, pain, pain. So, Wednesday, I made a same day appt with a GI specialist. I checked my butthole each time I went to the bathroom and they kept swelling bigger n bigger. Right before the appt, my body decided it had to poop but decided that it would not be solid n barely fit thru my asshole. It came out like toothpaste, after some blood, sweat, and tears. Not kidding. I went to the doc, after trying to clean it off. I apologized to him. He had me lie on my left side n spread my cheeks n said, "wow, those are really significant." He said he couldn't do anything n that I would have to see a surgeon, asap.
They scheduled an appointment for Thursday, meanwhile I keep checking and they keep swelling. Sometimes I put witch hazel gel on them, sometime I had my boyfriend do it, sometimes I put nothing on cuz they kept swelling, nothing was helping. The surgeon looked n said he couldn't do anything in-office, cuz my butthole was spasming too much. Pretty picture. I mentioned there was a suppository at the pharmacy sent in by the GI specialist n he said, no, suppositories won't fit up there. He also said he didn't want to schedule a surgery but he wanted to try some recommendations at first.
I went home n suffered Thursday night cuz I didn't get paid til Friday. I dropped the prescriptions off Thursday though. Friday morning, the pharmacy called stating the one most important cream was sent in brand name only, oops sorry, the generic will be here Monday. The only thing available was the lidocaine gel. It was helpful but did not make anything shrink. So Friday, I had to go to the store n walk around n there was some bleeding. I thought Lidocaine was going to be helpful, so Saturday, I thought I was ok enough to go eat n then get stuff at Walmart with my boyfriend. NO.
No. I have discovered that the only thing good for me is lying right here on my side. The restaurant was one my daughter works at n it only has wooden seats n her section only had high tops, with wooden stools. During my Walmart trudge, I became so winded from the pain n just general feeling, of needing-to-lie-the-fuck-down, that I was slow n whining about the lack of benches n couldn't carry anything etc. we got back home n they were huge. Sunday, I lied the fuck down. All day. And they seemed a little smaller. Today, I went to the pharmacy for the prescription I needed like 8 years ago n thought, well, Wednesday was the last time I pooped. I probably won't be going anytime soon. So I bought Starbucks. Then I went across to Publix n started grocery shopping cuz my daughter was home n would be able to help lift stuff once I got home, right? Well, I forgot I had to go to the bank. I ran too close to time n I lost my window of having her help me n she had to run off to work just as I was coming upstairs.
Oh, and about Publix...in the middle of shopping, I realized the poop was coming right now...thanks to Starbucks. I used the bathroom n the poop wasn't as menacing as I thought it would be, although there was some blood. I continued shopping. I checked out, went all the way to the car, felt grateful I could rest n be home soon, then couldn't find my keys. Customer service didn't have them, twice, I checked. They were not in my purse the first time I checked. I went all around the store making a lot of unnecessary steps. A manager started helping me by looking in the rows of carts. I looked once more in my purse. FUCKING DUH. WTF WERE THEY DOING IN THERE???? I neverrrrrrr put them in there. They must have fallen in. I apologized to the manager n he said it was alright, but nothing was alright, cuz I had to come home, carry groceries upstairs twice, lie on the bed resting, get up again to put all the cold groceries away, go in the bathroom n assess myself n find that they were swollen again n really bleeding. I have an ice pack in my ass crack now.
Here were the doctor recommendations: Metamucil, sitz bathes, alternate with the shrinking cream n lidocaine creams 3x a day, ice packs on anus, rest. I was even given a sick note to not work for a week. Here's what I have done...NO fucking Metamucil because of all the swelling, I think my poop should have waited til today, like it did. I did one sitz bath, got so bored, I wanted toys. I like showers, hate baths. Could not cope. Did a couple ice packs over the last few days. And now, I shall try the cream I should've been using all along. Hopefully, I am ok to work again on Wednesday. My elbows now hurt cuz of all the side lying n propping myself up n playing iPad so I don't go crazy. Also, during Thursday thru now, I barely ate so my body would barely want to poop.
I haven't exercised since last Monday. Doctor says not to for two weeks from last Thursday. I FINALLY found a doc who tells me NOT to exercise, haha.
