2004-06-04 - 4:11 p.m.
Suddenly, I feel like George Castanza (Seinfeld) when he got the one job in the high rise where he got his own office and all he did all day was sit there and try to look busy. I�m just too damn swift at finishing my work that I do get, so then I am sitting and staring. I try to keep my mind occupied, hence the boring d-land entries. You know. You have to look like you want to be here somewhat. I could just whip my book out and start reading, but then it�d be like, �that girl, all she ever does is read.� Well, I can�t just clock out every time there is down-time. If I go looking for work, that will backfire on me too, cuz then the workload will come back to life and I�ll be stuck with all this extra work or extra training in something else.
I think I�ll just read and do homework.
(That was yesterday�s)
Here�s today�s. I am officially $293 short for rent. What the fuck am I gonna do? What the fuck am I gonna do? What the fuck am I gonna DOOOOOOOO? Even if I wanted to be a dirty hoe, I can�t even find anyone who would fuck me for that kind of money. Seriously...I am so screwed. The irony of it is, I have to sign my rent renewal lease. Ironic, huh? When I�m about to get evicted?
Actually no one said anything about being evicted. But when they don�t take partial rent payments, and I�m already as screwed as all get-out, and even though I get paid today it doesn�t matter whatsofuckingever cuz it�s still not enough and I still won�t get paid even MORE money until two weeks from now...I�m babbling. I know. I don�t really know who else to ask. I mean, I can�t ask my sister who has helped with that much money in the past, cuz you know, I am always cutting on her, although it�s not to her face, but I know she knows I don�t like her anymore. What the fuck am I gonna do??? I don�t have any savings. The rental office doesn�t take food stamps. I�m short cuz I�m short on money to begin with, but I�m REALLY short cuz I have to pay that stupid fucking loan back. Jesus H Christ, why, why, why???
Why can�t I afford to breathe and sleep somewhere? I don�t get it. I can�t think of anything to pawn either. I have nothing anybody wants. Seriously. I�m not a CD or DVD collector. Even if I was, that would be another debt, besides, the CDs I do have are all scratched or not appealing to anyone. I�m babbling. Just let me be. I have to brainstorm. I�m so screwed. I called my mother and talked to her about it. She had her various cutdowns to throw back at me. Mainly, bullshit that doesn�t give me any solution. Why the fuck does she do that? She�s never �helpful.� I hate that about her. I hate when I�m this fucked in the finances. I don�t know who else to ask. Even more, I don�t have the GUTS to ask anyone.
Okay, I�m back. I just called and asked Jimbo�s mom if she had any work, no, and no money. I called my caseworker person and she said she would check. It�s basically the wrong month for that, cuz their fiscal year begins July 1st, so right now they are at the end of that and probably dry. Fucking great.
Well, that was fun. I just called Joel�s grandmother. Her husband screamed the whole time in the background about how �we can�t help her! Stay out of it, Barbara!!� How fucking weird. So, anyway. I called her to get the ball rolling about getting some fucking money up in here. I gave her both my phone numbers (work and home). It�s funny cuz I never wanted to ever do that, but for some reason, I was a different person than I used to be when I was talking to her.
But I know as far as the crazy scale goes, Barbara is only a quarter of the amount of crazy as Joel�s schizophrenic mother, Bonnie. The lesser of the two evils. I even said I�d bring the girls over to see her. What a shock if I really did. I mean, I actually would do that. I no longer feel threatened by her. I think maybe she would help me if I asked...which I did. Maybe she�ll call me back with good news or something while Leonard isn�t around to yell about how she can�t help me. She wants to help. And they are well-off enough to help. She has no idea how far behind Joel is with child support. I told her how far. She is in denial, slightly, but I have proof. Maybe she will help me. I need money.
I wonder if anything will come of it. Money-finding that is. So far, it�s out there with some people who may or not be able to help me. I need to go strip somewhere or something. You think I�m kidding.
Money, please, come to me.
Okay...I�m back again. God. All I did was bitch about money earlier. I think I have a plan. Today, I went and cashed my measly paycheck which, because of all the time I missed these last two weeks, it�s more like a half-paycheck. Almost. So, anyway, I paid off my payday loan. Then they mentioned that I can get another loan in 24 more hours. Now, I know that would screw up my �catch-up� game I�m playing and if I have to fork over $300 more in two weeks, then I�m going to just keep falling behind. But, I have high hopes. See, I can surely finagle money out of someone (Joel or Jimbo--the fathers of my children who owe me money anyway and are the reason for me always falling behind on shit) by THEN. I can. Cuz, at least I could pay the rent tomorrow and there would be no embarrassing late fees (other than the ones I have already). See, today is the 4th. I could bust my ass to get full time hours for the next paycheck that is on the 18th, which would be the area of time that my second payday loan would be due that I plan on taking out tomorrow. Then, the paycheck after that is the 2nd of July, which is THE DAY that the rent is still due but not yet late (the 3rd it�s late). So, surely, if I just bust full-on ass to get full time hours then I can actually win in the game of catch-up. Right? Yes, I think so. Now, all I need to work on is getting my ass out of bed on time in the morning. I have less stress and some hope.
I wonder if Joel�s grandma would slide me some money if I took the girls to visit her. Hmm. Maybe I could meet her for dinner or something somewhere. Kmmm. Something made me laugh after my conversation with her. Her deranged, elderly husband was in the background yelling, like I said. And he said something, sort of in reference to what I had said at the time which was something like: �have you heard from Joel (or) if he comes over, please tell him I need money.� And Crazy Leonard yelled: �You don�t let him in your house, why would we let him in ours?� What the hell is he talking about? Is Crazy Leonard trying to tell me that he has bitter remorse for my divorce from Joel? Cuz that�s what it sounds like. Freak. I hate old people who can�t control themselves. They still don�t get it (the reason for the divorce), do they? I wonder if Barbara would give me some money. I can�t get that hopeful wish out of my head. Even if it�s like ten dollars and she slips it in one of the children�s hands and says to them to give it to their mother, I�d still be happy. Pathetic I am. I HAVE GOT TO SUCCEED ON THIS CATCH-UP THING.
Every one in the office who has to call different offices for medical records, and billing stuff, etc., sound so pleasant; until they hang up, you never realize that the other person on the other end was a mean, nasty bear. Except that ONE lady...when she makes calls, she gets quite snooty right back. But I�m not here to mention anyone�s name, Terry, ahem. Alright. I�m going to go and do homework now. Yes, here at my desk. Are you going to stop me? I wonder if I.T. is reading this. Bye for now.
