2004-04-15 - 12:45 p.m.
I am so uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes, it�s pathetic. I wish I could be one of those artsy-type girls I went to school with and admired so much. They were usually �only� children, like my friend, Marty. Or they had a sibling that was really close in age that they got along great with. Either way, neither type was like me ....which is uncomfortable in their own skin. I was always worried about how I wasn�t inclined, motivated or creative to do anything. I was jealous of everyone and approved of no one. I admired the sports-type girls who won little trophies and got their names called on the intercom for being award-winning athletes in the school. I admired the cutesy-type creative girls that did really well in art...and STILL did extra stuff on their own, just because they were inspired. What was my problem? Why was I so into chasing boys and trying drugs? I failed art. I failed P.E. I never did anything unless I absolutely HAD to be graded on it or else get grounded. And now, I complain that my little rugrats have no self-esteem. That they act like little lumps on a log...they don�t want to be bothered with dance class, sports teams...cheerleading... Who am I kidding? I never stepped foot near a cheerleader. I don�t know what my hang-up is. I guess, gee, looking back I was mad at myself for being bored and boring as hell?? I started writing poetry when I was a teenager. I got into music. I attempted drumming lessons...never finished. Oh well. Now, I�m an adult and scramble for the next opportunity to be sporty at the YMCA...while my kids sit in the childcare room. I work out...I attempted yoga classes...signed up for volleyball and canceled the same week. I mistily look at craft projects, fall in love with different forms of art in the arts and craft stores...try to see how to take guitar lessons (that�s my next interest, but I have to either buy or borrow a guitar first!). I don�t know. I�ll get the family�s extra-curriculars squared away somehow.
