2004-03-04 - 11:28 p.m.
Well. I've discovered a lot of things over the past two weeks. First of all, I'm likeable. Imagine that. No, I know I'm pretty and attractive...but sometimes I think I scare the shit out of guys and other people more than anything. They have to really get to know me...and then they don't want to let go. Leaches.
So, I've met several guys. And it's...okay. Cuz doggone it, people like me. I just feel kinda awkward and then one of us says something that shows we are real people. I never knew it would be like this. I don't remember it being like this at any other age. I remember people judging me and not accepting me. Nowadays, I guess thirty-year-olds are adults and they are mature. I mean, I try to be. I'm 29 still though. Lol. But men who are 30-something and have already been married and then divorced and have kids, are actually very cordial. They understand where single mothers are coming from. It's ironic. And they are cautious about taking things slowly.
Now, I'm referring to the guys out there who have some of their shit together, pay taxes, don't get arrested, aren't warped in the head, etc. YES, THEY EXIST!!
I mean, my father gave me a warped view of how guys can be. And I never got much better than him...so far. Now, I can see that. It's sad. I was just so lowering my standards until I was settling for the most useless schmucks there are. And I went and had CHILDREN with all of them. Every serious relationship I've had so far...I've had kids with them. Or got pregnant by them. What's up with that? A baby does not make a relationship more significant or useful. What was I thinking? (I wasn't, by the way, trying to get pregnant to change anyone's mind about themselves or anything.)
Now, what I mean by that...is I love my children. They are my heart's delight. Without them, I would never have learned patience (not that I really learned a whole lot of it or anything--ahem, Type A personality, here). I would have never, EVER learned love. Like, really true love. I would have never learned trust or how to help someone to trust me. I remember EVERY time I gave birth. I remember every time I looked into their little red, frustrated faces when they realized..."WHERE THE HELL DID MY AMNIOTIC SAC GO????!!!!"
I remember how they looked like they didn't know whether to love me or hate me at first. They were just no longer as warm as they were and things were way too bright. I knew how they felt. I knew how they felt every time. It's the time of transitional feeling when you go through change or something happens that suddenly changes how things are going to be. It's no longer warm and comfortable and it's way too bright and confusing and none of your favorite music is playing anywhere.
I guess I'm in transition. What else is new? Haha. I'm still having high stress according to the stress tests I have that you fill out, but it's like two hundred points lower than the REALLY high stress I used to have. I try to make it as comfortable as I can for myself (and my children too, btw). It's just hard to be raw and open and vulnerable and cold and out of the shade. You know?
But none of this means I'm ever going back to Jimbo. M'bien. Just wanted to get that out there.
