2004-02-14 - 12:54 a.m.
I bought flowers for someone else too. See, Wednesday night, my daughter looked up at me from the living room floor and she said, "hey, mommy, a boy in my class Tyler B------'s mom died in a car accident last night and Mrs. R--- told us and we all made cards for him that said: we are sorry about what happened to you." I was like, "are you serious?" So, I HAD to drop off juice and candy for Steph's 2nd grade Valentine party that next Thursday morning...and I asked the teacher's helper if it was true that something had happened to poor Tyler's mom and she said yes. So, I felt my usual immediate sense of obligation to do nice things for people. I went to the flower shop after calling various ones in the area and finding out what a horrible week it was to try to get some flowers for cheap...yeah, right. On Valentine's Week. But I went anyway to a place right between work and home and picked out a few wonderful looking lilies and orchids and delphiniums...it was SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. Then, I made a deal with the guy to please hold them for me until the next day (payday, duh), and went back today and picked them up. They smelled so good and I loved looking at all the flowers that I went ahead and picked out my own bouquet's worth of sunflowers and purple rose-looking lyscinium (sp?) and I also picked out some of the same type of flowers from the big sympathy bouquet and had them make a little one for Stephanie to bring. Oh yeah...
Cuz tonight was the "visitation service" and I took just Steph and we hugged the father/husband of the family. It was so sad. But at the same time there were tons of people there who seemed so supportive and so loving to the family and they did this really nicely programmed Powerpoint thing on the TV in the funeral home of pictures of Rene' and her kids and family and friends and there were even MORE beautiful flowers everywhere, huge bouquets of roses and peace lily plants and pictures all over these two boards. And at first it was so sad to think about two small children (a 5 year old little girl, Emily, and a 7 year old little boy, Tyler--Steph's classmate) without their mommy...all week...and the rest of their childhoods and lifetimes and the fears that those thoughts bring as you look at your own motherhood and wonder how to go about making a living will, just in case...cuz you never know and nothing like this is ever planable. And to think what would happen to your own three children or how ever many you have if anything ever happened to you and where they would wind up and who would teach them all of the things you are so strict about in your own life and no one will ever think the same things are as important to the same degree that you think they are...
Anyway. There was a lot of stillness and crying and hugging at first and then when you made your way toward the back of the room where the only chairs were left and you saw the few children that came and there is Tyler with his beautiful pale green eyes and tan boy skin...and he's with his friends and they are all busy coloring those velvet fuzzy posters and they offer one to Stephanie to color...and she sits on the floor and becomes artistic and the grandparents bring Tyler's little sister to the back also to color with the bigger kids and you look at her long yellow dress with flowers all over it and her soft precious blonde curly hair, and the people smiling at them and knowing they will never have their mother again but they WILL always have the love from the dozens of people who knew and loved their mother, and they will have the big house and stability of their father for however long that will last and you overhear how much the mother fussed over the children's well-being and how she volunteered in Tyler's classroom which was also Steph's classroom...and when you watch her children who are coloring and not realizing where their mother has gone and how they won't ever get her back still being kids and fighting and teasing with their friends and complaining about why all the brown ran out of the marker and "why do you still have the pink???" Then you know that they are still kids and they haven't lost their childhood even through this tragic accident of their mother's, that they are still safe and stable and child-like and no one will harm them, then you feel okay again and the worries become calmer and your mind is eased.
