2003-11-29 - 10:12 p.m.
I have gone and put myself in an envelope and sealed myself shut and put myself away in a stuffy little dark P.O. Box. All because it is a tradition for me, it seems. Some tradition! It's very sad. But, I've been doing it ever since I first french kissed that stupid kid named Jason YEARS AGO. Why did I do that? Why did I care so much about that instant? It was gross. I mean, it got very interesting in the long run. I love sex, don't get me wrong. But, the physical attraction between various "mates" and I, have not only gotten me pregnant but kept me distracted and preoccupied and reverting every type of attention from my own life and self, that here I am...broken up finally from a funky-bad relationship...and I am bored. I am slightly lost. Time ticks by AUDIBLY and SLOWLY.
I keep wistfully reminding myself that I have hobbies. I have all kinds of paints and canvases in a charming little white wicker cabinet in my bedroom, something I've always wanted. I have TWO bookshelves filled with books that I have neglected or never even read. I know how to draw by staring at something...sort of. I could always work on my shading. I could teach my children to read better. Well, the ones that don't read yet. I could read to them.
Instead, I went to three different stores tonight to spend money I can't afford, cuz I thought I had to. Spending money I don't have makes me slightly happier. That's not good. Cuz I can't get more anytime soon.
I could also write stuff down to type later. I'm a writer and that has gotten very neglected. I have a few diaries...NOT online that I barely write in. I could clean. I could go through all the magazines that are lying around that I THOUGHT I needed at one time. I know how to feng shui. I could do that.
And my slowness and laziness is not from missing anyone. It is from my depression that stems from my worries and frights about money and about futures...mine and my children's. About all the responsibility I have to face alone. Actually, I like the thought of being alone. Only MY ideals reign in the household now. I like coming home to my apartment and knowing it's mine. I just don't like being poor. That's all for now. Vent, vent, vent.
