2001-01-02 - 05:31:34
(This is to my husband, if he ever decided to not be paranoid and go online and look up any sites that I participate in...if he ever finds my diary, I think I should let him know all the things that I would love to tell him, but, just don't...)
Dear Joel,
I'm having fun here without you. As a matter of fact, I've been having fun without you for awhile now. You know, you suck.
I mean, the sex was good, and I love our children, but, really, I hate you. I mean, I really do hate you. I'll admit it.
You see, I think you're crazy, and I'm not afraid to let you know that I think you and your schizophrenic mother both need to be hospitalized...like, on a psychiatric ward, cuz, you guys are LITERALLY CRAZY.
I mean, I believed in you for way longer than I should have, and I have to admit it, I was gullable enough for you to sell me anything, hey, after all, I bought Amway from you, remember? Oh, those were the good old days. But, after you beat the shit out of me that first time, you lost a lot of your magic. I just couldn't trust you after that. You pretty much sucked in my book, but, I always let you change my mind. But, everyone in my family have ALWAYS thought you sucked ever since then. I mean, come on, you got arrested our first holiday together (Easter) when you should have been normal and hanging out with me and my family. But, no, you had to go be drunk and disorderly with your crackhead, idiotic friends. And, I forgave you for being a loser and listened while you told me how if I just stayed with you, that you would be able to ditch those very friends and start a real life. The life you had always wanted. The wife, the house, the kids, and the picket fence. I believed in you.
You bastard. You sold me on a lot of things. The eventual move to England, getting rich together in Amway, the muchly wanted trip to Australia, the cute, beautiful kids, the everything I would ever want and have...you told me it was just the future waiting to happen. So, I married you for some reason with the promise of the "real wedding" later.
Pshaw! You deceitful thing you. I wish I would have had the strength and health to join the army and never look at you again, not because I really liked the army, but, because, I probably really never would have seen you again.
But, I caved. So many times, I caved. You hit me that first time and choked me cuz, I was...no, wait, that's right, those were just lies, it was you. YOU were the reason you hurt me that first time. Not ME. Not, your crazy mother. I was too embarrassed to call the cops though. But, believe me, it happened. You deny it all you want. Maybe you really don't remember it happening...MAYBE YOU'RE THE ONE with MPD. You crazy ass.
I stayed, and I stayed married. I joined the army and I realized I would die in there. If only I knew then what I know now. I just needed Synthroid. My crazy little glandular imbalance made me lethargic and depressed, and so, I relied on you for whatever I thought you were giving me at the time. Which really was just the cycle of manipulation, abuse, and control. But, we won't discuss that. NO, we'll DENY all THAT.
You used to say that the reason you were mean to me is cuz I was crazy and I had multiple personality disorders and chemical imbalances and hallucinations. Oh, the list goes on and on. What DIDN'T you say I had? Oh, yes, you said I had no sanity. You prick.
I trusted you and relied on you. I got out of the army thinking you would stay in and provide stability. Ha! What a joke. Stability to Joel = AWOL + running from the cops + neglecting your "beloved" family + abusing me once again + cheating on me (come on, I'm not fucking stupid).
You twisted your words in STRANGE ways so I never realized that the joke really was on me and that I really was getting verbally and emotionally abused. Surprise, surprise. "I know you're not stupid, Heather..." "Why did you just call me stupid?" "I didn't CALL you STUPID, I just said that I know you're NOT, so, why are you ACTING like you ARE?"
You wanna see stupid, motherfucker? I made straight A's that measly little semester that I wisened up and went back to school and I wound up graduating from that "silly little community college" with a 3.5 GPA and two semesters being on the Dean's List under my belt, motherfucker. I must not be that stupid. I was gullable though when I wound up having relations with your manipulative ass which got me pregnant with our second daughter. I should have just kept the first daughter and remembered all the bruises and lies and studied my scar real closely that you had given me before I pitied you and got knocked up again. But, needless to say, I love them (the girls) both, anyway. They are mine. They are MY daughters more so than they will ever be YOURS. I take way better care of them and treat them with respect more than you ever will. I care for them just like two little girls should be cared for by a mother that doesn't need their father.
It's a shame that I ever fell for you. I wish I would have been as intolerant of people like you as my best friend is. Yep, you hate her, and that's probably why, because she'll never be caught dead believing you or falling for your traps.
It took me two restraining orders, two times living in the abuse shelter, two and a half classes for victims (no, SURVIVORS!) of abuse, and TONS of "reality checks" from all my friends that still bothered to stick around as well as my family to realize that I DON'T NEED you. It wasn't MY fault that you hurt and neglected me. It was YOUR fault. YOU ARE INSANE. YOU ARE STUPID. YOU NEED HELP. YOU SHOULD ROT IN HELL FOR ALL I CARE. YOU AND YOUR STUPID FAMILY. YOU ALL ARE CRAZY AND STUPID. And, yes, your mother is your family.
And, "Jimbo," why, yes, he does have long hair and yes, he is skinny, and you are right, he will never be as FAT as you. And, yep, his dick IS bigger, now that I think about it, and he treats me with respect and he LIKES my cooking.
You know what else? He TRUSTS ME and I trust him and we would never cheat on each other. Guess what else? While I was pregnant...I NEVER ONCE found condoms or phone numbers in his pockets when I did his laundry. Isn't that funny? I found them in YOURS when I was pregnant with YOUR child. You prick. You think I didn't suspect something? I even got an unexpected confession from some chick that you had a threesome with. I'm sure you don't remember, cuz you choose to forget things that will incriminate you. But, just to refresh your memory, Jaime (one of your good friends) and his girlfriend (I forget her name, but, who cares), and you all romped around. Well, she sucked your dick while he was fucking her, but, hey, oral sex isn't considered cheating to you, apparently. You always told me that you never liked oral sex. Hmm, that's funny. Thanks for the chlamydia you fucking moron. The nerve of you to tell me that I must have gotten it from my boyfriend before you. I must have looked so silly when I asked my midwife if it really might be possible for chlamydia to stay incubated and undetected for two whole years. Silly, gullable, victimized Heather.
Fuck you, Joel, fuck you. And, no, you don't hurt my feelings by not coming to see the girls, they are already realizing how lame and unreliable you are. I don't have to say a thing to them, they already can tell you suck. Poor babies, but, they have fun here. Jimbo is wonderful to them and they are learning how to be little human beings, too. With you, alone, what do they have? Heartache, sore over-sugared stomachs, dumb, generic toys that don't work, lies, insults about Mommy, and no discipline. Pinnochio's dream. But, you know what? They aren't like Pinnochio, you fuck, they aren't little toys that you can just fuck around with, dumb ass. It used to piss me off when you never gave me money for them, but, I no longer take it personally. You'll learn one day how to be a man and take care of your kids. But, by then, it will be too late. You'll have to go through all those judicial steps like losing your license and going to jail, but, then again, what else is new? I thought that would be the one thing I could depend on you to be a good dad for those kids that you've always wanted, but, you always have to turn it around and be selfish. I get it, now. If you can't have me, than, you don't want to bother with the kids. A package deal? Why, yes, I am, and Jimbo honors that fact. He takes care of all of us. Isn't that convenient for you? Lucky you. I know how you hate to have to bother to actually work and use money for things like food or clothes for your kids. So, we won't waste our time any more. I'll just let the court handle it, FINALLY. If and when I ever do get money from you for them, it will be a long awaited miracle. The ground just might get very cold with all those parts of hell freezing over down below.
Well, best of luck to you and your jail mates. I hope they don't think you look as ugly as I've realized you have become. You sure don't age gracefully. And stay off my fucking property, too. I have a gun, so, you better not delve into the science of prowling any time soon. I know you were on my damn porch.
Signed your very sane wife,
--ME--
P.S. I hate you.
