2001-01-05 - 12:09:10
I sit inside all day and all night just minding my own business, and things happen outside all by themselves without me being aware of it. I milled around my home yesterday in a shirt and underwear. When I woke up this morning with the baby, I saw on the news that it had been the coldest night of the season so far. I'm in Florida, so that was like thirtysomething degrees. I looked out on the lawn and saw frost. Hmm, I thought, I just sit inside all day and all night just minding my own business, and things happen outside all by themselves without me being aware of it.
Sigh.
I'm so uninspired by my unglamorous lifestyle sometimes. I layed/lied in bed last night thinking that I have so much potential, and that I know there is just someplace waiting for me to get there and do amazing things in it, to it, or for it. I guess I need a hobby. I thought of painting furniture. Wooden furniture all kinds of crazy, cool colors. I could start with my 2 stools that I have for the girls. All I would have to do is go to a craft store and determine what kind of nice quality paint will work on wood. I would need brushes and maybe a general how-to book...
But, the problem with all that is...we are poor. We talked about bills last night, and realized we have about seven to eight hundred dollars extra in bills not including the rent. It's my school loans and car insurance. Those damn school loans. I didn't even finish the semesters I had them for. I just got the money, went half a semester, got overwhelmed with my schedule, used the money anyway, and now I'm in debt. Then, there's those other bills. The bad checks I wrote last year when I actually relied on child support and surprise, surprise, didn't get it, so, now, I owe on them. Just two bad checks. My first two. There were others, but, I covered them before they ever went bad. Oopsy. Sigh. Then, there's that stupid card I owe on, for car repairs. They are the ones who call me to remind me what a loser I can be. Calvin Asshole. I had to get a bunch of work done to my car last year when I was a poor, single mother and I told myself that I would pay on it when I got my school loan or whatever, but, I bought a computer instead and then, had to pay rent, and who knows what else. I can't remember where it all went, actually. I meant well. Whatever it was. But, they don't care about all that.
Anyway, right after we talked about bills, Jimbo rolled over in his chair and fell asleep. We're so romantic. The thought of all that debt probably exhausted him into a depression. I understand. I'm getting there myself. I asked him what ideas he had for me to make money somehow. LOL. I just typed somehoe. Oh, my. That was Freudian. No, we decided a few months ago, that I don't want to strip. And, no, I would never be a hoe, whore for the educated. But, something's got to give. I know exactly what SHOULD give. But, it would kill him. He can totally do without his cigarettes, beer, junk food, pot, and other various drugs. But, he won't. They will always be fit into the budget, it seems. While something else is pushed out and stacked up into my late pile. I fucking hate that. I want control over my money. It's actually his money, but, he says it's my money. Give ME your paycheck, and I'll show you what to do with it. Man. Ugh. It perplexes me.
It is 7:30 a.m., and I can hear my children (the girls) in their room playing ring-around-the-rosie. Geez. I'm on my way back to bed. I stayed up until about 2:30 a.m., then, the baby woke up again and I fed him at around 6 a.m. Then, Jimbo finally went to work and I came in here to write in my diary...
Ugh. I just gave them there cereal. I'm so exhausted. I get burnt out way too easily. I don't know how other moms feel, but, I am just so different it seems. Now, they each did their morning pee. Stephanie freaked out cuz Chloe flushed the toilet and she thinks Chloe should have just peed on her pee, cuz she's paranoid that the toilet is going to overflow if you flush it too much. It might, she's not wrong for thinking that way. We have crappy pipes.
I just showed them the frost on the lawn and explained to them that it's like ice. They thought we could ice skate on it. They are fools. I stay inside all day. I am like Boo Radley from To Kill a Mockingbird. I wouldn't be surprised if I looked out my window one day and caught the neighborhood children daring each other to touch the outside wall of my house or something. Oh, damn, I am uninspired. And, now, I'm cranky. It took me two hours to write this entry. I am a loser.
