2000-12-02 - 14:25:14
I'm a thief. I borrow cookbooks from the library and instead of looking through them and going oh, my what a nice book and deciding to go out and actually purchase one for myself, I instead get out my swanky dated word processor (my computer printer has no ink cartridges on hand) and type all the recipes from it that I want to use for myself and then I return it. See how smart I am?
So, I'm browsing through one of the five cookbooks I have in my possession right now that need to be returned sooner than later. The first one I'm looking at happens to be THE MARTHA STEWART COOKBOOK, COLLECTED RECIPES FOR EVERYDAY.
NUMBER ONE:
She is so insane. She makes her own tortilla chips.
TORTILLA CHIPS (M'kay)
Tortilla chips (tostados) for nachos (and you have to read this in the voice that latches onto your own voice box after watching one of her insane cooking/craft project shows that make you start imitating that enunciation/accent/wayofspeaking that she has) and for snacks to dip in salsa can be made very easily.
(Oh, yeah. Right.)
Cut fresh corn tortillas into sixths and lightly fry the wedges in hot (375--where the hell is the little degrees circle on my keyboard and why don't I have it???--F.) vegetable or corn oil. Drain chips well on paper towels or on a rack. Shake hot tostados in a paper bag with coarse kosher salt and one crushed garlic clove. Serve warm or at room temperature.
Pause. Blank stare. Offended double blink.
See? Insane. HOWEVER. It is a great book to have next to the phone when the telemarketers call you in the morning. Especially the sickly sweet bright eyed female ones who practice their second efforts in their cars on their way to work.
Riinnngggg!
"Hello?"
Pause. "Hello. This is Perky calling you from The Daily News-Press. How are you this morning?"
"Fine. Thank you, but I'm not interested, Perky."
"Oh, but, ma'am, have YOU ever TRIED home delivery?"
"No, but, Perky. Have YOU ever TRIED Oysters with Magenta Butter?" (And that's just the first 47 pages.)
"Why, yes, as a matter of FACT, I HAVE. I LOVE Martha. Because I'm insane."
Then, there is this recipe called Salmon Poupous. How would you pronounce that? I would pronounce it as POO-POO. And then, I would laugh, and laugh, and laugh. And Marth would strike me on my eyebrow with her metal soup ladle and tell me I should be ashamed of myself. And I would cry and she would scold me and make me go to some other room and restrict me from her freshly homemade Almond Sponge Cake with Wine-Poached Plums (page 508 if you don't believe me). And I would cry. And then I would come slinking back into her and tell her how I just pruned her Dogwood Hedges and collected her Freshly Laid Hens' Eggs and beg her for forgiveness and acceptness. And she would say ok. And to Never Do It Again. And she would tell me that I Know Better. Then she would let me help her while she knitted her very own Lambs' wool for the sweaters which she sends out every year to her nieces and nephews. Because I love Martha.
You would do it, too.
Don't lie.
We all love Martha.
