2000-12-08 - 05:58:45
i don't know what to do anymore.
i glance strictly at him when we are discussing money just so he knows i mean business. i ask him what he is making this week and why he told his friend it would be a bad christmas after he told me earlier that week that we could get a lot more than just the 2 things i had picked out for the girls in the disney catalog.
i look at my pile of bills. i sigh worriedly when he reassures me that my bills are his bills and tells me he likes me not working. i tense up when the bills are not paid on time. i feel a lack of control grow when things are being paid by others.
i hate not having money. i hate the bill collector who called last week. i hate the christmas decorations that sat in their storage boxes for two years while i lived in limbo and brittly broke themselves apart from prolonged heat and moisture. i hate having no money for glue and not knowing what would be the best kind to buy anyway.
i feel betrayed when he tells me of the pills that i know are gaining far more control over him than i will ever have. i hate how he tells me the money he spent on them which is the exact same amount of that bill that is mine which is now his which happens to be late. i feel confused when he tries to reassure me that he broke even and misunderstood when i tell him that the money would not have been lost in the first place if the pills were never bought in the first place.
i feel soft inside when i glance down at the baby's toy on the floor and imagine how his big sister puts the soft cushiony ring around his wrist so he can hold it better. i feel stunned a little when we get into a discussion from something on tv where we talk about what would happen to someone that might hurt me. he mentions that if anyone hurt me, he would tear them to pieces. i am a little surprised and want to ask why, and then i feel indifferent.
he has grown accustomed to me. i guess you could say fallen in love or something.
he says he's going to bed and i then feel free and less stifled. it is now my time. he looks at me and says he was hoping i was going to bed with him and wonders why i'm not. i absentmindedly scoff, not thinking...i quickly change my facial expression and say that i'm just not yet tired. his face saddens. i sit down in the chair and tell him i have to feed the baby and give him a bath first. he walks down the hall.
i read to distract my confused state of mind. i feel overwhelmed when i glance in the kitchen at the dried food in the pans. i feel restless when i look at the toys strewn around on the floor everywhere. i sit and read. i get lost in my book, grateful to be in another world. unfortunately, the book is about certain relationships which have similar feelings to mine. i break away from an ending chapter momentarily and the sentence screams out in my mind: I'M NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE. fuck. why do i feel this way? i don't know. i'm with my best friend who is willing to do mostly anything to make me happy. so, what the hell is wrong with me? fuck. i don't know.
