2000-09-18 - 03:04:28
Don't tell my children this, but...
If I could do it all over again, I would have never bothered dating boys. I would have really paid attention in school and wouldn't have worried about losing my virginity or who I would marry. I would have loved my mom earlier, and I would have done lots of extracurricular activities. I would have been athletic and taken chances...like the Olympics. I can't believe I'm not there and everyone younger than me can manage the things those people are doing over there. I can't even do the breaststroke for more than ten feet. I can only swim under water...I never mastered the whole arm moving thing. I never took gymnastics, of course, I'm six feet tall, it wouldn't do any good now anyway. I was always skipping and failing P.E. class...during one semester of volleyball, I remember just laying on the gym floor refusing to dress out and claiming that I had cramps, or a cold, or a headache, or no clothes to wear...anything to continue my laziness. I'm jealous of those powerful women in Sydney. Those motivated and determined competitors who have lived a life of fitness and team spirit, who are full of stamina and a drive to be the best. Where am I? Here. Being a mom. Tired a lot. Depressed sometimes. Sitting in front of the TV at age 25, thinking: a 23 yr. old just won that gold medal...and that 18 yr.old has been doing this for fourteen yrs. of her life...and, oh, look, that sixteen yr. old is, well, she's in the Olympics at age 16...that's an accomplishment in itself, to me. And, I sat there watching the gymnasts tonight with my little daughters alongside of me, and I kept saying, "See? I'm going to get money together so you can take classes to learn how to do all that stuff...don't you want to do gymnastics? You can do anything you want as long as you try..." How come I was never encouraged? My four year old wants to try anything and everything. But, my other daughter is constantly saying that she can't do things or can't find things, or can't see things, etc. I'm like, stuck in the middle. Me no get it. I want everyone to have self-esteem, but, I'm not even sure if people like what I cooked for dinner last week. It's such a silly place to be. I want to try new hobbies, but, I can't stop thinking of how I'm going to get my next real nap. I know if I just come up with enough money to go to the gym, then, I'll be healthy. But, then, I sit there and come up with many reasons why I can't walk around the block at night. I'm not necessarily unhealthy, I just feel weak and exhausted at times. I need a nanny. I need an assistant. I need a coach. A cook and a maid wouldn't be half bad either. Maybe one day.
