2000-09-10 - 04:18:07
I have this boyfriend. I feel like he doesn't really want to be here. I feel like he's just here cuz he doesn't know any better. I mean, honestly, I would never do what he's done. I would never get with someone that had two kids already and stay with them even after they got pregnant right away and weren't sure if it was mine (if I was a guy). That's what happened. I must have got pregnant like the second time ever that we had sex, if it's his. I am pretty sure it's his. But, we both want to get a DNA test to prove it. That is a shitty feeling. He wants to stay with us anyway, even if it turns out to not be his, which I think is stupid. I would never feel like there was anything here for me if there were three kids that weren't mine and a girlfriend that didn't want to get married yet. I'm the girlfriend. I don't want to really...well, it's not that I don't want to be here, I just feel like...okay...I came here to figure out what I was feeling. Cuz, I don't really know what to label it as. I've discovered that all feelings have a name.
Well, he tells me he likes me and loves me and appreciates everything I do, but, I feel indifferent. That is the feeling. I feel like I could take this or leave it. I mean, I love our (hopefully) new baby tremendously. He is just gorgeous and so sweet. And, I try to stay brave and continue to love my daughters that I've had, and that their father basically has ignored for some time now. He's stupid, he's a totally different entry. But, I feel like I love Jimbo (my boyfriend). I feel a sense of caring for him for the most part. But, when I toil it around in my head, I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just postpartum. Maybe I am just taking things for granted. Maybe I just don't know how to unconditionally love a person, no, wait, I really don't know how to unconditionally love a person.
But, about Jimbo...I've known him for 12 years. He's funny and protective. I feel safe around him. He's not abusive which is good. He's good looking. We possibly have a kid together, DNA test pending. He was my best friend for awhile, here and there. He keeps a roof over our heads. But, I don't know for sure if I want to marry him. I like having him as a boyfriend when he's not doing too many drugs...I know that sounds dysfunctional. I am beginning to feel tears welling up in my eyes, and it just hit me. I'm afraid.
I'm so afraid to get into the big caring and relying on him as a person and as a constant partner. I just know he's going to die soon. It's just all going to get taken away from me. I hate the thought of that. It makes me cry. Fuck, I'm crying now. I'm afraid to let go and just depend on loving him forever, cuz, I have to honestly admit to myself that forever is short. He's going to die. He has lung cancer. Lung cancer is much like brain cancer, but, you can almost fix brain cancer. You can't fix lung cancer. Especially when you don't go to the doctor and get healed and you just continue smoking instead. My life sucks because of this. I'm so sad right now with the thought of all of this. The fuckhead tells me not to worry about him or ask when he has last coughed up blood. I overlook a lot of it. He doesn't do it in front of me. But, I also know that when he feels pain or breathing problems in his lungs, he doesn't tell me. But, I know it happens. Cuz, he has told me before. And something like that just doesn't get better by itself.
See, two or more years ago, he would stop breathing in the middle of the night. The girlfriend at the time, bless her heart, made him go to the doctor. They gave him a nebulizer to aid breathing, told him he HAD to quit smoking, and that he had the early stages of lung cancer. They wanted him to come in for treatment THEN, and that was a long motherfucking time ago. A week or two ago, he coughed so long and hard it made him throw up. He coughs up blood every now and then and he told me a few months ago that it aches in his lungs to breathe in the morning. He smokes Marlboro Lights now. At the time of the doctor visit ages ago, he was smoking full flavors. But, he smokes pot too and has stated that he would never give that up. I want to kill him for all this. I want to kill him for not caring about himself or his health enough to preserve his years of life so that his baby son knows him when he is old enough to remember him. I love him so much, that I hate him. That's where all the indifference comes in. I'm bawling right now. It's that ugly cry that makes your nose snot up. It just makes me want to like make him drink carrot juice or something, anything, to help fix his body. I can't do it, though. I laugh most of it off. But, this just hits me too hard. His boy (I know it's his boy--no need for a DNA test in my book) is only 6 and a half weeks old. I want him to know his daddy. I want his daddy to help me love him and guide him through all the milestones that are important in life. I don't want to marry him, cuz, then, I would eventually become a widow. He's never going to go to the doctor and that just makes me die inside. Emphyszema runs through his whole family on his mother's side. That doesn't help much. I mean he works everyday and does everything a healthy person does except he smokes and it makes him cough all the time. I have nothing more to say. I finally know why I stay away from him even when he's in the same room. At first, I thought it was cuz he didn't like to be held which is true, but, these past 10 months, I've been slowly removing myself from him. I finally get it.
I don't see any hope ahead for this situation. I've never had anyone taken away from me that I loved or wanted to love. I make myself have control over my relationships. I make sure I am always the one to leave first. But, this, this is something that I've never had to deal with. I didn't even know the grandfather that recently died. It's easy to accept death when you never get to meet a person. Jimbo is different. He was my best friend for a couple years. We actually cared for each other before sleeping together. I can't tell what I am going to do without him.I just don't see a bright side to this situation. I wish he loved himself.
