2000-09-01 - 03:58:04
I logged into leave an entry and my mind became blank. I feel like I shouldn't be here and that I have nothing to say. I don't want to turn dumb. I feel that being a housegirlfriend and staying home with my three kids all day is going to turn me dumb. Sad but true. It may not actually turn me dumb but it will certainly make me FEEL dumb. I just don't know how to explain it, but, I'll try. See, there is something simple about having just children under the age of five to talk to all day. Not to mention, THREE children under the age of 5. I have this nagging feeling that I should sign up for a class that is taught over the internet or something. I just don't really see many other outlets to stay smart. I watch the Disney channel all day where I re-learn simple things all day like how to be nice to others and the names of shapes and nursery rhymes. Between the three of my children, one who is only 5 weeks old now, I constantly feed them, wipe their butts on occasion, and repeat myself to their ignoring little ears until I'm blue in the face. They all have their own personalities which I will never fully understand why they have decided to be so different. My four year old is helpful and luckily can take a joke. My almost three year old is very loving but equally over-sensitive. And, my baby is so easygoing and mild-tempered. Sigh. Then, there's me. A twenty-five year old who wonders what she is doing here. I feel kind of lost. I understand there is a slight degree of post-partum whatever-you-call-it seasoning my personality these days, but I am the woman who just 5 years ago couldn't imagine people having kids before my age now, let alone 2 or more. I sit still for most of the day, mostly because I am stuck in a chair breastfeeding, but while I sit still I remember things about myself that I know I like to do or would like to have or have done. I guess my point is that I'm trying not to lose my identity. I know I have one somewhere or have been someone other than a mommy. I think back at how I've been a student, a daughter, an employee, a tenant, a wife, a girlfriend, a stripper, a sister, a client, a driver...whatever. I think about clothes that I like to wear, how I look in make-up, books that I'd like to read, how much time I would prefer to play on my computer, classes I would like to take...ugh. I feel like I'm turning into a lost soul. But, I don't know how to maintain "me." Look at me, it's almost 12:30 in the a.m. and I don't even know when to go to bed.
