2004-07-18 - 2:01 p.m.
Well, here I am. I noticed that more often than not, I start my dland entries with the word �well�. My computer (cuz I type them in Word first for fear of becoming disconnected from the internet and then copy/paste them) is all like �would you like to save Well, before closing?� Yes, I would.
I seriously need to clean. I cleaned my kitchen counters last weekend and the sink was totally clear and everything and then I neglected the dishes for a week, yeah, a week. That�s two and a half dishwashers worth of dirty dishes. And I have my counters cluttered all up again. It�s just terribly overwhelming. I watched Trading Spaces tonight and Clean Sweep both on TLC and I didn�t move an inch out of my chair while either of them were on. That explains why my place continues to look like crap. I�m not astonished as to why my place is always in shambles�trust me, I know why.
Allow me to speak on that aspect for a minute. Before in a previous entry, I had to talk about positive things about me. Okay. That�s all well and good. But isn�t it the bad things that I have to work on? I mean even a counselor should know this. Yeah, you can talk all nice to yourself, but nothing will get done until you find out what your major hang-ups are. Otherwise, until you get to the source to figure out why you do the negative, insane, dysfunctional thing that you do, then you can�t just fake it till you make it. You really can�t. It�s way more painful to fake it till you make it. Yes, I�m using the word till incorrectly.
So, let�s look at my bad qualities�in order for me to confront them and work on them. And I�m going to go over this with my counselor too. So, don�t think I�m freaking out in a big depressive rampage odyssey on myself.
I�m a PROCRASTINATOR. I put things off, I disregard myself when I say I�m going to do things and I usually don�t do them. Now, I rarely procrastinate at work. I don�t want to screw up at work cuz I�m getting paid to be good and make progress and all that lovely stuff. So, why don�t I treat my private home life and family like that also? Cuz I feel no rewards from home and family and that I�m not getting paid. Well, really, I study psychology, so I also know AT THE SAME TIME that if I�d just take care of my shit that I need to take care of, I WOULD get paid with respect and reap benefits such as less stress and the peace of having chores done so that I could relax without all the worry. I could have friends over and wouldn�t be embarrassed of the vast clutter and nasty mismanaged crap everywhere. But, I procrastinate instead. Like, the electric company called and wanted their money Friday which was yesterday. I failed to ask how much they needed. And instead of counting my money to see how much I have for them and how much I can stretch out until next payday and for the car insurance company---which I am aware is due on the 22nd. And they take it directly out of my account�so I need to get that in order also�deposit money in my account. And that is just ONE of my problems I have like that. I really ponder a lot about going back to dancing/stripping. For the money. Seriously. Money, I need lots of it.
Then, we won�t discuss the disregard that I have and how I went to the movies last night which if anyone knows when you go with other people and not just yourself, we are talking almost forty or fifty bucks worth of expense to see a movie and eat snacks. So, why did I go to a movie and waste money I don�t have when I have bills to pay instead? I almost don�t know. I mean, I DO know. It�s partly denial and depression and compulsion and just wanting to have fun even though I�m flat ass broke. I mean, when am I going to have fun if I don�t MAKE myself have fun? I seriously need to count some money though. And make sure that I have at least some of my shit together. Which I know I have some of it. I could pay the insurance OR the electric�but I might not be able to do both. I might only be able to pay part of the electric. I�m going to have to take out yet another small payday loan, I think. Cuz the car insurance company and the electric company do not work with you once you are as late as I can be.
But I�m lazy too. I don�t want to clean or check up on things or run errands. I do manage to do little things that show some improvement on my part. But it�s so fucking hard even when there is dire motivating factors staring you in the face to continue to fix your shit and get things in order. Like, my car is breaking little by little, so I took it in to the shop this morning. Luckily, it won�t be my money paying for it. That class I�m in helps with auto repairs cuz they want you to be able to go to school, etc. It�s all government funded. So, I took it to their garage of choice and made an appointment (cuz that�s all I could do, they were booked up today) for Monday. So, there. I made some progress. But it�s still hard as hell to do anything.
I put off drinking my favorite coffee drink today so long that at nine p.m., I�m going: �Oh, man, I didn�t drink my favorite coffee drink that I have sitting in the fridge cuz I forgot I have it in there. Doy. So, I plan on drinking it now, cuz I have the craving for it and I will chase some Melatonin with it and that will justify the okayness of drinking caffeine at midnight. M�bien. Okay, I�m practicing my motivation�I just went and poured the coffee drink and took my melatonin. I�m so proud of myself.
But seriously�I just wish I had my shit together. I�ve been looking around my apartment all day noticing the mess and boxes and stuff. I�ve lived here for 2 years and 2 months now and I thought I was moving back in January and packed up boxes and stuff and never moved due to various reasons, I�m sure you could maybe find an entry or two about it somewhere. But anyway, I never unpacked cuz then I told myself that I�m definitely going to move at the end of this year, possibly to Naples. But today, my intuition was eating against the inside of me and I thought, something bad is going to happen, another life change of some sort is going to happen to me. I�m going to renew my lease for another year at the end of this seven month lease and I am not going to move down to Naples and it�s just a strong, nagging realization/intuition I�m having and folks, RARELY do I know why, but when I feel like this, whatever I�m feeling becomes what I definitely do and becomes the truth and that�s more often than not, THE WAY it turns out. So, we will see. Keep reading and get back to me on this in December cuz that�s when my lease ends, I think. I was, I was thinking about moving to Naples and now I feel that nope, it�s not going to happen. I hate these intuitive feelings. I really do. I�m like a psychic girl that doesn�t know how to use her powers.
I keep sneezing today. I was just telling someone that I haven�t gotten sick in a long time and now look at me. I hate that. God. You guys, how am I going to get motivation? I thought about going to church tomorrow and praying about it and having others pray for me, but I�ve been thinking about doing that since January also and haven�t been to church since. I�ve just never had motivation to do much. I survive though, I manage to struggle onward and that makes it LOOK like I�m doing things and taking care of stuff and being strong. But, let�s be real here, I�m not strong. I fail others. I fail my children, I fail my neighbors even. I told my one downstairs neighbor that I would bring her boxes home cuz she was moving in a week (this was last week of course) and I was so into it and all telling how good the boxes are at my work cuz they are the paper boxes and they have lids, etc. At work all week long, I looked at the boxes at times and kept forgetting why I would want to bring them home with me. I also said that I would be kind enough to take her daughter for a few hours somewhere to occupy her so that Kelly (her mother/my neighbor) could take all of her toy inventory and get rid of a lot of it and throw some of the shit out so it would be less to pack. They�ve lived here for like five years I think, and they just got a house that they had a week to move into, etc. I really meant to help her. I didn�t; I brought no boxes home and I never even saw her daughter this week, who is my daughters� friend.
Neglect, procrastination, lack of motivation, laziness, depression. Geez. I�m just a success story waiting to happen. Why don�t they have a Clean Sweep for a person�s inner soul? Like, part of the package deal could be a week in a depression clinic, a expert nanny for the children�s soul for that week, part of the clinic would also be a day spa (massages and facials and stuff), and then a team could come in and clean your whole apartment and dust and paint over scratches and crayon marks on the wall, reupholster your furniture, restock your fridge and leave cooked meals in your freezer for you. Wouldn�t that be a heck of a show? Yeah, that�s what I�m talking about.
Hi, now today is Saturday�let me interject for just a moment. I had to leave my computer to rest for over twelve hours and it finally came back to life and my Word documents unfroze. Amazing, isn�t it? So, when in doubt of frozen, non-saved stuff, just leave it on and walk away and hope that it will come back to life and unfreeze, and it quite possibly WILL!! Aren�t you excited? See? Without my vast patience, you would not have had the joy of reading this complete entry. Yeehaw. Now, I will make a new entry about last night and this morning, after my computer was frozen�
