2004-07-10 - 3:09 p.m.
Well, I started counseling on Wednesday. That was my first appointment. I kept telling the agency I was just there a couple years ago. Apparently, I have no concept of time, cuz it had been SIX years, folks.
So, the woman counselor gave me homework. I have to write down ten things that I like about myself. Puke. I hate that sort of thing. Then, I have to read 2 books over the course of 3 months about self-confidence or self-esteem or something. I told her I have this problem of when I look books up at the library, especially in that subject, I wind up getting ones from the 70�s. She said I have to get from at least 1995 on. So, then, the very worst thing I have to do is�talk to myself at least 3x per day with positive self-talk. That is the pukiest. And I started to do it this very week, but it's very painful. And she said that even when it�s a �really shitty day, you have to say, I�m in healing mode, but I�m in healing mode�� That made me laugh.
Goddammit. I missed the bull run again this year. Little known fact, folks: I want to go to a bull run and yes, it�s cuz I read that Hemingway book years and years ago. I�ve always wanted to go to Spain to see that. When it comes to traveling, I only really, really want to go to two places. Spain and Australia. All the other countries are secondhand desires. Even the Islands of the Caribbean. Even though, they are a close second. More like, a one and a quarter slot as far as ranking goes. But Spain has always been my number 1 desire.
So, anyway, positive self talk is SO hard for me to do. First of all, I noticed that I�m REALLY fucking sensitive. Like, sensitive and intuitive. I know when people possibly don�t like me, I know when people suspect things about me. So, she tells me this on Wednesday that I have to do these things, and I try to do a little bit of it here and there. But I notice that I�ll look in the mirror and say, �You�re pretty, BUT you have this and this and this wrong with you�� Or I�ll say, �You�re so smart�but not at this subject or this other subject, you don�t know anything about that crap�� Yeah, so it�s a lose-lose situation for me.
So, Thursday, our class gets into a discussion cuz voices were raising between the one lady that is not a teacher but in charge of the program and keeping us up to date on our assignments and such (her name is Patricia), and this one black girl who is a student. And the issue at hand was the girl is not up to speed on her typing and turns in homework late and such. So, the lady in charge was confronting her about it, but she has a habit of confronting people in front of EVERYONE ELSE, which can be a little disheartening and embarrassing for some, but it never happens to me cuz I never turn in my work late.
So, voices begin to rise. Then we basically hear the black girl complaining that the lady in charge had attitude with her first and that caused her to have �attitude right back.� Well, that�s just silly, cuz that never gets you very far when dealing with people in authoritative positions. You just don�t do that. But this particular black girl was ridiculous and saying: �I can�t do homework when I don�t feel well, I have other things to do in my life besides homework.� SORRY, BUT SO DO THE FUCKING REST OF US, YOU BIG FUCKING BABY. So, then her friend that always sits with her started fending for her and saying: �This class seems to be for people who have a lot of time on their hands and are on WAGES (financial government assistance program) and don�t have a real job. So, immediately, Tammy (works 2 jobs, has 2 teenagers, a home, and a husband), my buddy in the class and I raise our hands. No one notices. Then, the black girl storms out and the lady in charge goes out too. The lady in charge, we�ll call Patricia. So, the black girl�s friend turns to Tammy and I and says, �you guys had your hands raised, did you have something to say?� So, I speak up and I say: �YES. First of all, I�m not in the WAGES Program. I haven�t been in that for a few years. Second of all, I have a job that I�m at Monday through Friday and I have three kids and I�m the only adult in my house. I turn all of my work in and sometimes I turn things in a lump sum�s worth so I don�t have to keep turning it in. I�m already released from having to turn in the typing homework cuz that�s what my job at work is and my typing score is at a high level cuz I practice all of the time even when I'm not at work.� So, then, she said that I must have a lot of extra time to be able to turn in a bunch of homework at one time.
I said: �NO. But I have my priorities, where yeah, I work anyway when I�m sick. I do homework anyway and don�t always get the sleep I want, I rarely hang out with my friends and my apartment is not always clean (that�s a lie, my apartment is NEVER cleaned whether I�m in school or not�okay, that�s an exaggeration but she doesn�t need to know that), I work hard at getting homework out of the way, cuz I don�t want to have to keep turning things in. I stay up late, I do homework every chance I get. I make it a point to never turn in anything late cuz I don't want to look bad or fall behind or be without the knowledge that I need to have once I go to work in some doctor's office.� She apparently didn�t understand any of that cuz her brain oozed out of her ear after that. Okay, I�m kidding. But, I also announced that, yes, even though I�ve felt bad, I turn in my work. For instance, I�ve had TWO BLADDER INFECTIONS since the class has started and I�ve only missed ONE night ever and that was for some other reason. Sorry, but they need to grow up. I always hear people �forgetting� their homework or not getting all of the answers finished. THAT�S RIDICULOUS AND UNACCEPTABLE. We are attending this class for FREE. We have received computers FOR FREE. Come on, people. Show some appreciation. Show some determination and priorities. Grow UP!!
Anyway, as I was saying, that sort of thing came up on Thursday and that sort of shoots my positive self-talk down, cuz here these people think I have time on my hands and they don�t realize how fucking HARD I work and I make straight A�s. So, SUCK IT. But, then Friday at work, the annoying lawyer who �always has a rush� at approximately the LAST available minute, of course did all sorts of things to make me question my intelligence. It sucks. Cuz he checks my work and he confuses the hell out of me. I hate it. I absolutely HATE when he walks into a room, it crumbles at my self-assurance. I know, I know, SELF-assurance comes from the self. Not from annoying, crappy lawyers. Yes, I know. So, that was all day on Friday.
Oh, wait. Another thing happened on Thursday. The daycare lady, Ms. Pat who is the head of the daycare, took me aside and warned me that the Guardian-ad-litem people (Louise and Don) had been by and talked to the kids and Chloe had said that I had shoved her head into a side of a car. Okay, for those of you that know me, and how I raise my kids�people know I yell and scream and even make horrible threats (I�m gonna throw you out that window!) and I even smack butts and legs sometimes. But I don�t go shoving my kids� heads into things.
So, Ms. Pat just wanted to warn me about that. Then, the next day which was Friday, I realized I had a message on my voice mail at work at my own desk, which I�m not working at cuz I�m taking over the packaging department while the girl is on vacation. So, I�m at a different phone and desk and computer and everything. Well, the message is Ms. Pat asking me to call her. So, I call and she says that Louise (guardian-ad-litem) had called her and yelled at her and told her that it was Ms. Pat�s duty to report abuse like that. Ms. Pat replied that she can�t report things that she doesn�t see. So, Louise reported it to the child abuse hotline.
What had happened that day with Chloe was she kept refusing to find her shoes upstairs in the apartment and saying her shoes were down in the car. And I had told her, SHE BETTER KNOW FOR SURE IF THEY WERE DOWN IN THE CAR, cuz I wasn�t turning around on the road to get them. Well, they weren�t in the car. So, I had to turn around cuz she has to wear shoes to daycare. I had to go to work, so now I was late. We had been having the �put-on-your-shoes� fight for over an hour that same morning. I was fucking sick of kids not listening to me. M�kay. I was grumpy and pissed cuz they NEVER listen to me anymore. So, the positive self talk was not very easy for me that morning either.
So, by the time we get to the school, she�s still whining cuz I picked out her shoes for her and she didn�t want that pair of sneakers. They have like at least three pairs of sneakers each. She was just trying to give me a hard time, seriously. So, we are in the parking lot, and a lady next to me is waiting to get back into her car to leave. So, she�s all, �it�s okay, I�ll wait.� And I�m all: �NO. I�VE BEEN WAITING FOR OVER AN HOUR FOR HER TO PUT HER SHOES ON. I�M NOT MAKING ANYONE ELSE WAIT TOO.� So, I yank Chloe up out of the car. (Yanking up consists of me holding her shoulder tightly, which then causes her to stand up swiftly to avoid pain, OR consists of me holding firmly onto her forearm or upper arm and thus causing her to stand to avoid pain. Abusive? You decide.) Well, the combination of me yanking her up, and her shoes not being on all the way, and a car door being slammed in front of her face, made her fall. And she also flinches into a fall, even though, I�m not hitting her, she still freaks out like that, like a dramatic spastic maneuver...highly unnecessary, I know. Her dad used to overdramatize like that. (�You tower over me!!�) It�s becuz I�m tall, intimidating, and if I�m not SMILING, then I look very angry.
But Chloe told the bitch of all bitches (Louise) that tries to find fault with me for everything, that I shoved her head into a car. Which I didn�t. And Chloe says I didn�t. But, Friday, Louise, STILL calls and reports me to the hotline without contacting me first or asking me anything. And a man from the investigation team STILL came out to the daycare and took pictures of my children and talked to them and asked them questions, etc. He still needs to talk to me, but told Ms. Pat that it's going to be a general open-and-closed case. Not having very much control over my life when things like that happen doesn�t do very much for positive self-talk either.
Then, I dealt with a lying crackhead Friday night after work after I said: �If I have one inclination that you are on crack I�m not hanging out with you this weekend. I�ll turn right around and leave you at your home.� And he was on it. But he lied about it first. But you can�t lie to me. I have intuition sharp enough to slice bread.
1. I�m very smart.
2. I�m very intuitive.
3. I�m very beautiful.
4. I give birth to beautiful, healthy babies.
5. I have good taste in books and music.
6. I�m a good cook and baker.
7. I�m a good typist.
8. I work hard at things I need to do, like work and school.
9. I have good taste in food and desserts.
10. I make really good grades in school.
There. There�s my list of things I like about myself. Or positive things. Whatever you want to call them.
HOWEVER: I have a bunch of things that I can make them all negative with too. And yes, you have to read those too.
1. I�m very smart, but I�m still not finished with the level of school I planned to be finished with by now (Master�s Degree).
2. I�m very intuitive but it just makes me paranoid and controlling.
3. I�m very beautiful but I�m getting old and I rarely feel beautiful.
4. I give birth to beautiful, healthy babies, but they have issues now�like Stephanie stole my $10 last night and hid it in Grandma�s Kleenex box, and Chloe tells stories in dramatic ways, and she later told my mother that she was indeed not pushed into a car.
5. I have good taste in books and music but no money to buy them and no time to enjoy either.
6. I�m a good cook and baker but I�m lazy and I�m out of food stamps right now.
7. I�m a good typist but it doesn�t count for anything, cuz I'm still not considered full time and still don't have benefits.
8. I work hard at things I need to do, like work and school, but not hard enough cuz I don�t have a Master�s Degree yet.
9. I have good taste in food and desserts but no one is going to pay me for that feature.
10. I make really good grades in school, but no one knows how hard I work.
I think I�m done for now.
