2004-04-20 - 12:32 a.m.
This is very hard on me. My son's father (Jimbo, my ex) thinks the girl he has slept with twice so far is pregnant. Now...I don't know if this should even be my business, cuz we are technically and legally broken up...but I make it my business cuz dammit...if only he weren't a drug addict, he would be my dream man. Well, he has a lot of other issues, but really, I've known and loved and cared about him for the past 16 years. We've lived as a family for the past four and a half years. I NEED TO KNOW when some little dumb bitch fucks him and isn't even on birth control. Looking back...after talking to him, his mother, and my best friend (all on separate occasions and all in the past 24 hours), and venting with them and whatnot and getting reiterations that I have a right to be pissed, etc....
BY THE WAY: looking at that last sentence, my best friend is not involved in this at all. Jimbo is not fucking my best friend. Just wanted to make that clear. I have a habit of not separating main ideas in my journals.
So, after looking back at each of my conversations with these great patient listeners (yes, even him...I become unglued with him and he takes it...which he VERY WELL SHOULD), I have realized that this is a soap opera SO FULL of DRAMA, that I'm just wallowing in it. It's like the 7th grade field trip we took to Six Mile Cypress Swamp Reserve where we were six feet deep in some parts (I am a Florida resident), trying to maintain sanity and not relying on the thoughts of poisonous snakes swimming around our waists and weird nasty parasite worms eating into our anus. It's making me so upset to realize that, well, MANY THINGS...
1) There are still women out there who aren't on any birth control, yet seeking out sexual activity. COME ON, PEOPLE. If you aren't married with a college degree, and own your own house, then why are you letting guys come inside...yes, that's what I said, COME INSIDE OF YOU??????????? Get a grip, you dumb bitches. Stand in the food stamp office line and see how it feels to be alone with broken promises and confusion and frustration and wondering what he really meant when he said, "I'm not sure if I'm ready to have another kid." Well, luckily, no one ever said that to me. NO, instead they just played homemaker with me with rose-colored glasses on. Or maybe, that was me with the glasses. I don't know. All I know...is that EVEN in my sluttiest moments in life, I took action if people were even thinking about coming inside of me. DUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. WOMEN: Get the Pill, get the Patch, keep some spermicidal gel handy (it's VERY easy to use and sooooo worth it). Condoms break, sad but true. And if they doooo break, by golly, get a test.
2) Fenagle around and not get a pregnancy test, a simple pregnancy test. I mean, really, if you can afford to trip on acid and buy cartons of cigarettes, then splurge a bit for a pregnancy test especially if you are late on your period due to the stupidity of # 1 (see above)...I mean, really, WHY WAIT to go to the doctor's on the 28th when you have Walgreens in walking distance which is what you seem to need to do is walk there, since you left "HIM" in charge of fixing your car (which looking back, is a big mistake, cuz he never really ever knew what he was doing whenever he fixed my car).
3) If I am beautiful, which really, I am, and my body is so hot and my brain is so fucking smart and I am "with it" and have goals and all of this turns on a man, then WHYYYYYY does he belittle my assets by going for a butt-ugly, SHORT (WAAAAYYYY OPPOSITE OF SIX FEET ONE ME), naive, dumb, no, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID girl. Guaranteed there are legal issues keeping us apart and they are neighbors which is full of convenience (been there, done that), but WHYYYYY would you call both of us pretty? She's ugly. And that hurts. And there is a pattern with guys that have been with me. They leave me...well, really only cuz I KICK THEIR ASSES OUT, for dumb, short, ugly girls. I am none of these things. I am the best I've ever been right now. I work out...I look GOOD.
4) Which leads me to this: (and I know all of you reading this have this question) so, why do I care? I kicked him out...so why do I care? Well, there's the son. MY SON with his sperm involved. But, I made him. There's that detestation for his wayward sperm again. Everytime I think of how he knocked me up so quickly and carelessly...but we were best friends long before that and we wanted to be in a relationship (but still, I got pregnant soooo sooooooon), I think, well, he did it with her just as quickly. How sick. How perturbing. I'm not speaking from the jealous standpoint. I'm speaking from the "WHY DON'T YOU EVER WEAR CONDOMS WITH ANYFUCKINGBODY?????" standpoint. And are you wondering if I miss him or want him back? Well, SOMEtimes. During moments like these...where I think "what the fuck is happening?" And then I think: "what were we supPOSED to be doing?" The same answer comes up:
5) This was never supposed to happen. He was never supposed to be this dysfunctional. I talked to him like six or so times today. The last conversation was something we needed. He said he didn't want to fight. He didn't want to call me and have fights. He wanted to be able to call me, cuz he's been calling me for 16 years and we have a son together and he didn't want to have fights anymore. So, we had a battle instead. It actually went well. On my part anyway. I ask him questions which really mean one thing: "HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID???" Only, I never really SAY that. I say it in every other way though. I need to. I mean, I want to make sense of this...but there is no fucking sense in it.
6) Cuz people are just stupid. There's too many dysfunctional weirdos out in the world. And my friend brought up a good point..."WHERE ARE HER FRIENDS???" She was adopted like twice or something fucked up like that. She should have friends though, and be taken off by her good female friends who will wisk her away to the Planned Parenthood Clinic to be checked, and then fed birth control repeatedly, or have that thing aborted.
7) If she does not have that thing aborted...I'll die. Of course, I won't die-die-for-real. But, it will just be one of those nasty situations where there will always be resentment over stupidity and confusion, and frustration.
I asked Jimbo if he wanted "it." I asked him if he wanted her to want it. He said he feels stupid (about time) and that he's confused and scared to death and kinda mad. We talked about a lot, really. A LOT. I said he needs to get her an abortion. His mom said she would pay for it. I said she needs to go to the clinic NOW...NOT the 28th. That's gay as fuck. I can't wait that long and it's not even my uterus. I told him I'd give her a fucking ride. I told him that if she wasn't pregnant, I'd make her get on birth control. DUH. She should know these things but I doubt she does. He said she's really careful about paying attention to her cycles. YEAH, RIGHT. That's why she fucked him cuz she was paying so much attention to when she would be able to be fertilized by him. I think she planned this. I don't know WHY she WOULD plan this. But...
I hate her. I hate how fucking clingy she was the other day. He said he didn't like it either. That he had told her to please stop when she kept touching him...IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN. It was just so fucking abnormal. I should have told her off. I hate her. She needs some fucking sense knocked into her. She is so dumb and naive and I can't get over it. I just can't let it go. She better not be pregnant. She better get her fucking dumb, naive period. She's so ugly. GAWWWWWWD. Why did he have to fuck up so much???? I would have never hated him enough to let him go if he hadn't fucked up so much. He should be with me. He should be drug-free and non-sexist and non-racist and be with me and Jimmy and my girls. He has no sense left in him. This is the biggest after-school special I ever did lay my eyes on. Oh, JIMBUTT. WHY???? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO REPEATEDLY FUCK UP AND BREAK YOUR PROMISES? YOU MADE ME HATE YOU SUDDENLY AND NOT CARE FOR YOU. THEN WHEN YOU TOLD ME YOU STILL LOVED AND NEEDED AND MISSED ME, THEN I REALIZED I LOVED AND NEEDED AND MISSED YOU TOO. BUT THEN YOU FUCKED HER. AND YOU JUST KEPT FUCKING UP. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GROW OLD TOGETHER. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS FOREVER. IT WAS COMFORTABLE TOGETHER. IT WAS FUN. IT USED TO BE FUN. THAT JACKASS. I CAN'T COME AWAY FROM THIS. I CAN'T TURN AWAY FROM THIS. I CAN'T STOP STARING AT THE DUMB AND NAIVE AND HUUUUUUUUGE SOAP OPERA THAT THEY HAVE WOVEN.
