2004-03-29 - 9:44 p.m.
Why does the child who never brushes their teeth when told to, come up to you and breathe in your mouth when they begin talking to you?? Anyway.....
I am so insecure right now and instead of bothering my best friend with it...cuz she's witnessed TOO MANY of my insecure moments...I decided to just diary about it. That way, I can bother half of the community here at diaryland, or wherever I'm at right now. You see, my history of dating experience, looking back, a not-so-nice person would have considered me a slut. But, hey. It takes two to tango. I wasn't the only one in a hurry to have sex. It seems very popular amongst emotionally unavailable and down right dysfunctional people. Not one-nighters. I'm talking about full on...having sex...and sticking like glue for several weeks until it turns even more dysfunctional and SOMEbody changes their address so that it's the same as their new partner's and then everything spills down into a downward (of course) spiral to where everyone forgets they have hobbies, jobs, children, responsibilities, etc....and boom...you are having fights ALL the time simply because you couldn't just stay friends first and make sex more enjoyable and suspenseful by WAITING. Duh. Yeah. I pretty much described every relationship since...oh, 12? Okay...I was technically still a virgin till age 14. But when you are 12, you can still get overly carried away with kissing and fondling and constantly flirting and being so far up each other's ass (not literally, people!!) that you forget you have your Teen Magazine subscription...and that you really should be trying out for extra-curriculars, m'kay. Don't let this happen to you. Cuz before you know, it, you will look at yourself 17 years later...at age 29 and go: "OOPS. I HAVE HOBBIES AND CLEANING AND FRIENDS AND HOMEWORK FROM COLLEGE AND CHILDREN AND DITTOS TO CHECK AND PERMISSION SLIPS TO SIGN AND HUGE-ASS LOADS OF LAUNDRY TO DO...WHY AM I WASTING TIME WONDERING WHY A GUY WON'T CALL????" Yeah. It happened to me.
I'm a single mom again...and obviously very fucking insecure. It drives me nutty, really. I want to be a very mature women who can take or leave attention from the opposite sex. But I haven't been able to FULLY unprogram myself just yet. Yuck. I am very dismayed by my actions. So what if I take my lunch when I'm actually hungry and THAT is the precise moment he FINALLY fucking calls and I miss his call to meet him for lunch...so what? Yes, it's very hard. It's very hard to put myself before other people and to realize that I have shit to do and if I just do my shit and be normal and functional, that maybe a normal and functional guy will take a break from his shit and have time to hang out with me...AFTER he takes care of his responsibilities first. So what if he works 75 hours a week? That's admirable, responsible, loyal to the company, and a good trait. He'll want to date me eventually, right? Sighhhhhhhhhh. I hate being a grown-up.
