2001-04-15 - 10:07 a.m.
I usually sit at home while my old man works and this weekend it was different. My old man still worked, but I dropped the kids off with my friend and went with other friends on a road trip. I saw Phil Lesh and Friends in Ft. Lauderdale on Friday and Saturday. It was really neat. I rarely get to do anything that fun. I also got to do liquid LSD and shrooms.
It is beyond me why I've been deprived of that combination of drugs my whole life until yesterday. It's one thing to witness the comraderie among friends and acquaintances and see a different lifestyle from yours. One with modern day gypsies who have done such a wonderful job of preserving the Woodstock/hippie/small-scale-Deadhead experience. They keep it alive like it's a religious sacrament. They move around and rebuild their own little life villages. They make their own food and sell their own products. They share happiness and nobody ever holds a grudge.
BUT ON liquid LSD and shrooms...it's a LAND OF HONESTY AND PERFECTION. You peer into a face and it smiles back like the sunshine. Music moves into your body and becomes a part of your circulation and breathing. The drum beats are your heartbeat and the twangs from the guitar licks caress your happy little brain. Honestly, I've never felt that good. Everything was wonderful. Now I know why potheads say, "It's all good." That feeling should not be kept under wraps. It's not fair that I was never shared with before. It was a world of feelings and flavors and everything was sweet. Happy, happy, happy. I kept feeling good, and better and better and I thought to myself that I really needed to feel this good at home. So, I went there in my brain. And I sat there in the same atmosphere of the auditorium with the shimmering lights and melodious music while I sat vividly watching and really seeing my family. Beautiful little things that they are. And I was happy. I may have lost a few brain cells but it didn't matter, because my old man was in the kitchen and I trusted him and a little flash film started of how we've been together for years and love each other and share our children together and only want the other one to be happy. I saw him dyeing Easter eggs with the kids and sharing their views of the colors and the colors going everywhere at once. Pinks, and purples and blues--royal, azure, turqoise, mixtures of magenta and orange-tinted white. It was all so meant-to-be. There was laughter and joy and enjoyment. The kids loved him for all he's done and the world never did me wrong. I never felt so positive in my life. I sat silent and blissful while I gazed lovingly at the people in my life who I love the most. Then the little slide show panned out, the kids were asleep and safe in bed and my old man was sitting on the porch like he always does only I was filled with love for him and I actually accepted how much I was in love with him. He gazed back at me with his beauty and I remembered how we were young and he always cared about me and wanted me to be happy. In that moment, our stomachs have always been full, everything was always good and there was never any sadness, no one ever left out. And that was all over the world. On my back porch my old man sat smoking and satisfied and appreciative in all I do to show him I care. His fine lines in his face and his skin, smooth and soft, and lightly oily and it all feels good against the backs of my fingers. The hair on the sides of his face when he hasn't shaved for a few days and it doesn't matter because it looks better and feels better anyway. His gray hairs standing out and adding to the beauty and texture of how his hair feels also against the joints of my fingers when I reach out to touch him and tell him how much I love him. He just gazes back and asks me if I feel good and I tell him yes, I feel better than I've ever felt and would feel better if he would hold me and he does and his arms become all the good colors that swirl and ebb and rise up to the ceiling with the band's music. I hold him and rise higher and higher totally in tune with everything I've always taken for granted. How good it feels to sit and open presents while people smile and look on. How it feels to pet a friendly dog, cat, or rabbit even, and feel their energy and trust in you. How it feels when your children tell you they want a hug from YOU and that YOU are their favorite person even if it's just for a moment while Grandma isn't around to take the title away from you. How it feels to sit in the sun with a breeze and pull on a blade of grass and sit in silence and peace while you pull apart each green thread. How the sky turns the shade of blue in the afternoon when it looks like blue milk and it's drinkable and you're on a beach and it reminds you of how you were happy as a child and taking a break under the towel where the sun is dimmed and the towel is soft and colorful and you taste the salt in the water that is still on your fingers while you are experimenting with how sand tastes, one grain at a time while making the crackly little crunching sound between your teeth. It's always there and I rarely let myself feel how good it all is. How my hands wrap around and my arms press against his ribs and the warmth of him and his smoothness and how our hearts feel connected and how good it all feels because of how long we've waited to feel that way, and how much we've been through to finally reach that point. Every thought after that was just agreements and mutual understanding... The world of companionship and togetherness. It all felt so good. Then the show was slowing down and the crowd played the Encore Game. We showed the band how we needed them to not leave and all our howls and wooing brought them back on stage and we assured them that this was the right thing to do with more cheering. They assembled their musical instruments which were by that time revered as the word of God is to the faithful Baptists of the Sunday morning. We stared with smiles and awe and they looked around at each other to figure out what to play and it was all okay, it was so okay. There were suggestions shouted out, "Fire On the Mountain", "Uncle John's Band", someone shouted out "Anything You Want"! And it was the truth, Anything's Fine, Whatever You Want! Just don't leave us and go away with all of your beautiful special effects!
After it was all over, the gypsies were at it again outside, probably had never stopped, I had just gone away for awhile-- they were always there, living their world that was going on all the time I was gone. Selling their wares. Feeding the nutrition-deprived, tending to the people who need happiness and don't want to take anything for granted anymore ever again, but want to feel the love and approval and satisfaction of all that is missed due to worry and grudges. We got back in the car. The ride home hurt and was not coated with druggie happiness. Such a shame, but not a problem. The smile was still there, I finally realized why I get out of bed every day. THE END.
