2001-04-05 - 1:02 p.m.
Hmmm, where to begin.
Did you know that ants drink milk?
I've been reading like mad. You should too. I can read 200 pages in one day. I'm so proud of myself. Of course, my time is divvied up around making meals and holding children when they are trying to hide the things they've done bad.
YESTERDAY. Oh, my God. My children pulled a bad one. They were supposed to be cleaning the river rocks off of the porch that they got in there through the ripped screen and it was a mess. So, for a half hour, I told them, "you better be cleaning..." This is just my way to postpone punishments, because honestly, I don't have to time to time time-outs...I'd rather be reading or I'm usually having to cook or stare at the wall. So, I was on the phone with my best friend and my boyfriend came home and I was like, "oh, well, I guess I have to go soon...oh, Jimbo, can you tell the girls to clean the porch?" And I kept talking on the phone. Well, the girls were not on the porch. I noticed that the glass sliding door was open a little. I had not heard a thing, I can usually hear them if they walk by because they are usually singing something. So, we went in their room and they didn't show themselves or answer us, so he went right outside hunting for them, cuz I thought that the little brat next door had coaxed them out after I had told her they couldn't play. SO. He starts walking near the neighbor's yard because we heard children's voices coming from that direction and I decide to make sure they weren't hiding in their bedroom. And there they were in silence staring out from under the bed at me. I came unglued. "Get the hell out of there! You can't answer us when we call you??????? YELL, YELL, YELL, YELL, YELL!" I made them finish the rock-picking-upping and then went outside again to find Jimbo. He came up the street asking where they had been. I had already spanked their butts and told him that if he wanted to spank them, go ahead. Can you fucking blame me? We thought they had been snatched off the porch. I've never known them to be that collectively sneaky for so long of a period of time. Usually, one will rat the other one out. So, then, it was Enchilada time. No one finished their dinner except me. Figures. Why do I fucking bother half the time?
I told my boyfriend after he had asked me if I still loved him the other night that I do love him, I just get bored. Bored with him? NO. Bored with my life. My life is probably something to be coveted because I don't really have to work right now. But, I WANT to work to make my own money. I can't go out and buy things without asking for money. I hate having to ask someone for money. It requires an explanation and an explanation of the explanation on top of that. It also requires estimation if that person doesn't just have money to give that's extra. Everything is apt to be accounted for. How annoying. I need cleaner, tampons, paper towels, fabric softener, dry-erase markers, stuff like that. Then the question always comes in: Can't it wait? Wait till when? Friday? Next week? Next month? Ugh. I don't like depending on people, and unfortunately I have always had to depend on others to survive. Whether it be the person who is having sex with me at the time or the government. Even when I do work, I never seem to make enough to support myself.
But, that's not the only thing that I find boring. I make cookies, coffee, beds, dinner, lunch, breakfast, snacks, and compromises. I just feel like I'm too young to be tied up in this lifestyle sometimes. No...I don't want to give my children up for adoption. I do sometimes want to send them away with a nanny on a daily basis. Maybe boarding school when they turn 6...maybe I'm kidding. I really don't know where I'm going with this childless daydream, really. I guess I need a hobby or a makeover or time out with my friends. I think I need my own room with my own identity. I want to be hedder, you know? I don't want to be CONSTANT MOMMY. I want an identity. I need to go back to school which I will this fall. I won't let anything stop me this time. I need to finish writing my book. I need to be identified as the smart woman that I aim to be. I read, I write. I have friends that I need to spend time with more often. This has become a big long 25 minute tangent. I can't help it, this is my diary. I don't have a handwritten diary as of late. I'm going to start one though, because it's just insane to not voice my thoughts in my head. My head overflows a lot. It's kind of overwhelming.
SIGH.
Let's see. Oh, I could discuss our sexual dysfunction. First of all, I haven't had intercourse for three and a half weeks. And, ironically enough, I don't care. Usually, I do care. Here's how the past 24 hours went. I mentioned to Jimbo that we could "spend some time together later, if you know what I mean..." and he acted like, okay, sure. See, he hasn't gone without much these past few weeks, I give him head every now and then, and no, I don't mind. So, later on, he took a shower. So, about a half hour after that, I took a shower thinking, well, maybe I should make myself clean in case anything does happen, but we had just bickered about money, and actually I could take sex or leave it at that point. So, I took a shower anyway, and I put some night clothes on and then he suggested we go and watch the TV in the bedroom. I thought this meant he was getting in the mood. So, we go in there and I bring my book and read during commercials and he's laying there and starts to doze off. This doesn't bother me, cuz now, I kind of want to finish my book. But, I try to make the lame effort anyway, and ask, "are you falling asleep? So, I guess we aren't having sex, huh?" To which he replies that he really wanted to, but his sensitive broken tooth is bothering him and now his stomach hurts. Instead of getting upset or feeling let down, I think, Oh, good! I can finish the rest of my book. And I did. So, this morning, he woke up an hour after he should have been at work...oops. And over coffee in the kitchen, he gives me a hug and says that he's sorry he couldn't give me what I wanted last night. And I say, Oh, I don't care! And he said but, he did. And I added, well, I used to care, but I don't anymore. I mention that it's been three and a half weeks, but funnily enough, I don't mind. His friend had been there for the first two weeks and I just felt weird about doing it, then Jimbo was tired for a few days after that cuz he was working on a motor everyday and then I got my period for a week... But, then he adds that something must be wrong with him because he doesn't even wake up with a hard-on anymore. I said, oh, well. It really doesn't phase me. I used to have a sexual attention void. I think it's still there, but reading fills it. I think that is funny though. Because sometimes, men in my life have worked really hard to please me or get me off or whatever and really, I can be more satisfied by reading a good book. Oops. Damn, that cracks me up. Sorry, gentlemen. Thanks for all that hard work, but I'm gonna go read now. I just haven't gotten horny lately. I haven't even masturbated. So sorry.
I was going to say something else, let's see, what was it? I think I mentioned that I'm going back to college part time this fall . That's a big yippee to me. Hopefully, Jimbo doesn't have to go to jail or anything so I can concentrate on classes and reading and he can watch the kids or pay for daycare when I need him to.
What else was I going to say? Here's some books that people should read. ANGELA'S ASHES by Frank McCourt; AMERICAN SKIN by Don De Grazia (I don't know if I got the author right); TAKE THE CONNOLI by Sarah Vowell; OPEN HOUSE by Elizabeth Berg; THE WAY FORWARD IS WITH A BROKEN HEART by Alice Walker. Now, I'm reading LE MARIAGE by Diane Johnson. I hope it's good. Well, I'm gonna go now. See ya.
