2001-02-17 - 05:32:16
Wow, changes.
So, happy V. D. everyone. Haha. Mine was stupid as it seems to be every now and again. I was given tons of drawings and "cards" from my daughters. I suggested to my boyfriend that he go and buy me a Coffee flavored Frappucino drink and 3 chocolate covered cherries on his way through an area convenience store while he happened in to get some cigarettes for himself, or I would whine best part of the day for not receiving anything from him. He did after forgetting to on one trip out of the house. He knew he had forgotten, so, it wasn't that big of a deal.
Then we got to talking about a certain pill he likes to do and I griped and said that if he started taking those damn pills again, I would break up with him. Then for some silly reason I sang that very 50's song, "Breakin' Up is Hard to Do!" It was in such bad taste being on Valentine's Day and all, I couldn't believe I had actually threatened him like that. He got all offended, naturally, and asked if I wanted to leave him. I did...at THAT particular moment, but I just sat there. I stared for awhile and breathed thoughtfully while he stared and waited for my answer. It was all very serious. It was a very Heather-is-now-in-a-Soap-Opera moment. He had asked if I really wanted to leave him and I just stared as if the camera was closing up on my serious little face that would be underlined to-be-continued and then cut to a commercial and then on to Family Feud. But, he didn't want to see Family Feud, so I finally answered that no, I did not want to leave him, I just totally hate that specific pill he desires because he conks out and it alters his brain and he sleeps way too long the next day because he takes WAY TOO FUCKING MANY OF THEM.
He said that he was angry that I had threatened him for something like that. He said leaving him would break his heart and we then talked very seriously about how he told himself after his last girlfriend of four years had just decided it was over one day, how he had told himself never to fall into a relationship ever again. He was fearful of getting hurt again and giving of himself and then it all being taken away again. He said that he couldn't believe how I had said that so easily like it was an option in my head all the while instead of talking things over, etc. That, I, Heather, would just leave and take our son and my other girls that we have been raising all this time together (a year, actually) and just leave like it all doesn't matter. He was angered and hurt. He told me honestly that he would be lost without me. He's honest nowadays. I hear a lot of things from him these days that I never would have expected to come out of his mouth. I then confessed that sometimes (possible due to the weirdness of my thyroid dysfunction and hormones and such), that I wake up sometimes and forget that he loves me and that he's here cuz he wants to be here for me and with me. Other times, of course I wake up and I look at his beautiful skinny little hairy face when he smiles at me and his bright blue eyes gleaming out from all that manliness, and I think oh, how handsome, i love him, he's so sweet and funny and such a good man. And I am glad to be with him. But, then, on the weird hormonal days when I've missed my Synthroid pill, I feel like I could take him or leave him. That I would be just as emotionally whole if he left and I was alone with all the kids...but when my thoughts go to that point, I do miss him. It's not that I want to walk out on him, it is just that some of his qualities make me feel like I could take him or leave him. I tend to have not gotten too attached all the time with this one, so, I care about him and appreciate him, but then I would feel quite indifferent and neutral if suddenly one day he came to me and said that he might like to spend the rest of his days with someone else. I might just say, okay, have fun. But on the days I want him, I would ask to meet her and beat her face in, not including, gouging out her eyes. Maybe I just have hormones.
I'll be back to do more diary entries eventually some time this week coming up, cuz I have issues. So, I'll be back.
