2000-12-12 - 16:22:14
'he' showed up after a phone call on Friday. 'he' who deserves no capitals is joel. My ex-husband-to-be-(soon). he is still insane and manipulative and controlling. What else is new?
he tried to talk me into accepting his car (a Hyundai) as a make-up for back child support. he said it is worth 8000dollars. Whoopeefuckingdoo. he told me that if he had given me a bunch of money, that I would probably just go buy a car, anyway, right? I told him I didn't know.
he offered a thousand dollars, but, said it wasn't money that he could just give to me that it would have to be in a check form. But, the reason he didn't have it right now for me was that it had to stay in the bank until the 12th at least because of some bullshit about his car insurance or something. Must be nice to have that option.
I told him that he had only given me NOT EVEN 400dollars this whole damn year and I was used to not getting money from him on time. I mentioned that I got evicted last year, cuz I had counted on him giving me child support like he had promised but never delivered. That I had several bills that had been late a whole year because of the money needing to be used for things the child support was supposed to cover but never did.
Then, he had to take a shit in my hallway bathroom. he behaved really freakishly, kept calling my name and laughing because it smelled so bad. (he's going to turn 28 this month.) he called stephanie, my oldest daughter, and told her to come in and i said that that's not allowed, little girls don't go into bathrooms that boys of any age are using. After that, I handed him muchly required Lysol.
he continued to tell me how he had to pay for all kinds of things like probation fees and that's why I got very little child support all year. Then, he mentioned his new tattoos that he got, and the car he bought and some other crap he bought cuz it was funny and neat, etc. "And, you couldn't throw twenty dollars my way every now and then?" I asked.
Then, after I told myself, my sister, my mom, and my boyfriend that I would refuse to let him take the girls anywhere until he had visited them more often (cuz he hadn't seen them in NINEFUCKINGMONTHS), he conned me into letting him take them to the park alone.
Dammit.
Why do I become a pushover in his presence? he always tricks me into going along with things I tell myself not to fall for. I don't do that any other time with anybody else it seems. I hate myself for that. So, they get back 20 minutes after the time I made him promise to return them to me. he's never reliable. They are literally sick and wired on sugary candy he has fed them in excess. Their faces are dirty and their shoes and socks are not on their feet. All rules of Mommy's are broken. Always. Alfuckingways.
Back to the 8000dollar car. he says that it should supplement all the back child-support that he owes for all the past months. I ask him if it's paid off. No. I ask him if he would make all the payments. he hesitates and says yes, but, that it would be better if for instance when the court says he owes me like, let's say, $500 a month, that he be allowed to deduct half of that for the $250something car payment per month if he were to pay it. I didn't realize till afterwards (YOU DO THE MATH.) that that is double the amount of the car and if he's going to deduct BOTH the value of the car AND the payments of the car from the child support, then, I will be forever jipped as usual. FUCKINGASS. So, I didn't agree to anything. he always brings up major plans like that and expects an answer within minutes from me and I've learned to just say that I will think about it and I didn't know.
he still doesn't have "the house he bought" fixed up, yet. he mentions friends that he has been staying with who I know are crackheads. I say that's nice. he still has no phone number.
he wants to give me a hug and asks why we just can't be friends. I push him away annoyedly. I roll my eyes while he rattles on at how I "need to forget about the past. To move on and start over and treat him like a human being. Because I've never treated him like a person. All he ever did was love me and treat me and the girls good for the whole 5 years we were together." (My mind flashes back at the time he first beat the shit out of me. The FIRST TIME. Abuse usually escalates as the relationship goes along. The FIRST TIME he ever laid a hand on me, he beat the shit out of me, choking me, squeezing my rib cage, and calling me awful names, telling me I was crazy. I couldn't lay down to go to sleep that night because of the fact that I couldn't breathe without feeling pain. I never told anyone until years later about that night, cuz I was too embarrassed to admit that I had just gotten myself into my second relationship where I was a helpless victim of abuse. Plus, I was afraid that I would not be admitted to the army when I was scheduled to be.) he tells me that I am so beautiful and that our daughters are so beautiful JUST LIKE THEIR MOTHER. (I daydream briefly about going to the mafia's godfather and hearing him tell me that he will do anything to secure my happiness and safety as long as I acknowledge the fact that later on he may or may not need a favor from me.) he tells me that he loves me and that I am still his wife. (I think back to the times of him calling me bitch and whore right in front of the girls. he used to tell me that no one would ever love me ever as much as he loves me because I'm too fucking mean and abusive.)
I tell him to visit the girls more often, that Jimbo and I are in no way trying to interrupt his father/daughter relationship with them. He tells me he's late and he was supposed to go and cut down a tree today. I tell him goodbye and to go to work. But first he has to swindle me out of a plastic cup of lemonade, fresh-baked cookies which he puts in his pockets, and an old pair of shorts, cuz, he has to mention, he only has on a pair of silk boxers...heheh.
Fine.
Here, just LEAVE NOW. Jesus.
