2000-11-11 - 18:05:04
I was reading an article online just now, don't ask what the url was, because I read a lot of other similar articles after that, so, the thoughts are lost in the internet now. But, it (the first article I read) inspired me to come here to my diary and write something on fear. You see, the article touched on how afraid everyone is in the world these days, etc.
Afraid. Afraid? Yes, that's the feeling I don't feel when I can finally enjoy a chance feeling of happiness that occurs every so often these days. I am becoming a lot less depressed and worried than I used to be. I used to be one of those negative people. Nothing was good. Nothing was ever good and I couldn't imagine how it would ever be good ever again.
Here's an example. You, or someone, anyone, could tell me it was a beautiful day out and I would just startle and look up into their face and be able to give a list of reasons why it was not beautiful. For instance:
1) The sun was much too bright, and I forgot my sunglasses, or they are broken, or they are lost.
2) I have to work today, or go to school today, or be alive today.
3) I have no money to enjoy myself, so that maybe I could agree with the beauty of today, so, I can't afford to go to the beach, park, or public pool, cuz I am forever poor.
4) I have to take my kids wherever I go, so, I can't enjoy myself, and won't have any fun no matter what I do.
and,
5) I hate myself and I never have fun when I set out to do something that is supposed to be fun, and I'm never going to be able to have fun, because I don't allow myself to have fun...so, take your so-called beautiful day and shove it up your stupid fucking positive little ass and enjoy it.
Sigh.
I'm not like that anymore. When people tell me it is a beautiful day, I either agree, or I look around to try to understand what they are seeing.
Negativity comes from fear. I used to be really negative, because I lived with a lot of fear. I still am very afraid about a lot of things.
I'm afraid of what people think of me, most of the time. I'm afraid that people will think badly of me or not like what I have to say or may feel that I'm stupid or less than or a burden or a bother. (TRUTH: People who hang out with me don't feel this way at all, and that is why they are still around and deal with me. The people involved in my life think I am way too cool and actually seek out time to be with me or converse with me--isn't that funny? I rock!)
I'm afraid of bugs. I hate bugs, because I think they have germs, and I'm afraid of getting the germs. I'm afraid that they will get me sick, and I'm afraid to get sick, cuz I'm always afraid I may not get well again. (TRUTH: I haven't gotten sick for many, many months now. And, really, only cockroaches have germs. And, luckily enough, we have NO--ZERO--cockroaches in the house we are now living at. Yay! And bugs never touch me anyway, and if they did, I have the power to kill them. Now, ants are another story. We are battling ants in this house, but, I don't believe ants have germs, just many relatives.)
I'm afraid of money. I'm afraid of being poor. I'm afraid of paying the bills late. I'm afraid of starving. I'm afraid of getting evicted. I'm afraid of ANYTHING and EVERYTHING happening to Jimbo, because he makes ALL the money right now. (TRUTH: I've been very poor before and survived off of food stamps and $241.00 before. I eventually had to break my lease, but, I made it for 3 whole months until that time, with help from those organizations you hear about in your area and some really nice, giving church I was attending at the time. I am now depending on someone while I stay at home everyday with my kids, but, he has been making good money, and ever since we moved in together, I've eaten everyday, I've never been hungry for longer than ten minutes, the bills have never been so late that things got turned off, we all have a vast amount of clothes, the car is on the road legally, and the landlord has never had to complain. If anything did happen to Jimbo, God forbid, I know where to go for help, I know how to work and where to get hired right away.)
I'm afraid of people hurting me. I'm afraid of strangers who are evil and mean and have auterior motives. I'm afraid the cops won't get there fast enough. I'm afraid cars won't get out of the way of the ambulance I may happen to be in. I'm afraid of terrorists and kid/adultnappers. I'm afraid of crazy people who might want to inflict pain on me or someone I love. (TRUTH: I've only had one broken bone. I live a very safe life as of late. I am no longer in relationships with abusive people. I wear my seat belt. I'm also not the type of person that people tend to attack or hold hostage. I am and look like a woman, but, I am taller than most men. People just are probably not going to pick me out of the crowd to hurt. I know how to defend myself for the most part. I am safe.)
I notice though, that when I am laughing and having a good time, I am not afraid of anything. I am beginning to be less and less afraid though, which is good. I don't have to live in fear. I should be happy. Accidents happen, but, most of them get fixed. I should know that more than almost anyone. Sometimes things get bad, but, then, they also get better. I should also know THAT more than almost anyone.
I am going to be okay. And happy.
