2000-10-14 - 04:03:00
I haven't had sex since Sunday. I actually don't care right now. I have a very low, miniscule sex drive right now. But, my boyfriend has NO sex drive. He offered to call some number to order some herbal remedy to give him his sex drive back, but, I told him not to bother. I don't feel like having sex lately. I don't even feel sexy. How can someone be sexy with spit-up on their shoulder and really bad hair?
I need to get my roots done. I am so tired. I need my thyroid medicine upped.
I know if I tell them to check my thyroid levels they will raise my Synthroid milligrams and then, I will smirk and say, "I could have told you that." I diagnose myself all the time.
But, the real people who are suffering here, are my daughters. I stay up late, bored and entertaining myself by talking on the phone and being online, etc. At least until midnight or so...then, I wake up to the baby needing to breastfeed at about quarter till eight or so...then, I breastfeed and doze off for two hours straight...meanwhile, my daughters are reminding me that they have been awake since 7 a.m. (what the hell is your problem waking up that early?) and that they are thirsty and hungry. At ten, I force myself into the kitchen to combine cereal and milk. I sloth-walk back to the recliner and slump down to continue breastfeeding and dozing until about noon. I snap awake, finally put the baby back in his crib, and walk out to get the mail. I come back inside and can only sit and stare at the TV or one of the million magazine subscriptions on how to be a good mom. I force myself to go back into the kitchen to clean it from the night before and half-assedly rotate the dishes out and back into dishwasherland while I begin cooking dinner at three p.m.
Jimbo the King of Lethargy comes home. We eat. I sit back down at 4:30 p.m. and continue breastfeeding and trying to watch Oprah. The girls start in again. Asking for drinks, wanting more snacks. (You just freaking ate!)
They must know nothing about the concept of time. I'm so inconsistent with my promises...I'll get you a drink in "a minute" which becomes a half hour. Bedtime will be in "ten minutes" which turns out to be 25. I try to be awake. But, I have no desire to move. I don't necessarily neglect anybody, but, everything is very delayed in my world.
I was in some website that was trying to educate parents and caregivers about what children need from like the children's point of view. You know, like, "I like to be told I'm a good kid" and "I like to be read to" ETC. Well, I think I need to make one for me, "the 25 year old". It would go something like this:
I need to be told I'm a good parent. I like to be left alone. I like to be given time to sleep in. I have a sex drive sometimes, and other times I want you to move out. I need assistants such as a nanny and a maid. I need to be hugged on a daily basis. I need to be told I'm a good girl. I need my own room and room to be myself. I need you to try to understand me even though I change my mind a lot. I need you to pay for me to get my hair done and sometimes I like french kisses. I need a vacation without the children. I need a winning lottery ticket.
