2000-10-12 - 18:26:26
Well, I've always thought about being a doctor or a veterinarian or an ambulance paramedic person.
I am a woman, so, I've gotten my period before. I've fallen off my bike before. So, I've seen my own blood.
I've seen blood from animals that had injuries, and blood from animals about to be cooked. I know what blood looks like.
I know what it tastes like.
I know that mosquitoes bite you for it. I know that leaches suck you for it. I know it's what spiders survive on.
I know if it's red, it contains oxygen. I have learned about diseases that are carried in the bloodstream. I've given birth three times, a very bloody event. Blood is in everybody and every living animal. M'kay.
I saw blood in my boyfriend's mouth. At the edge of his lips, smeared over his teeth. He had just cleared his throat.
I gasped. My face turned to a shocked appearance. He noticed my reaction and covered his mouth with his hand and sped up his walking process to go out onto the back porch and open the screen door to spit the blood on the ground. Bright red blood. He covered it with pebbles and dirt lying next to the door by using his foot. He didn't want me to see. He didn't want to talk about it. I walked back inside. He walked back through.
"Jimbo, when was the last you did that before today?"
"I hardly ever do it, don't worry about it."
BRIGHT RED BLOOD.
Later that night, we talked about a lot of things.
He asked me if I was going to consider leaving him because of his health. I said, no, but, I wasn't going to overlook things anymore.
He told me he worried about money. He doesn't have insurance. He doesn't want to be told by a doctor to quit smoking because he knows he needs to quit. He doesn't want to be diagnosed. He doesn't want to go through painful and embarrassing tests. He doesn't want to lose his hair and then, in turn lose his dignity. He is scared to be put in the hospital and given time limits on his life and existence. He's afraid to be taken care of and lose everything because of the inability to work. He said he doesn't want his ol' lady (me) to have to be his nurse.
I told him if he lost his hair that I would shave my entire head. I said that we wouldn't be flat broke if he had decided to take care of his health. I told him what he looked like didn't matter to me or Jimmy. What matters is that he has to be there to teach his son about girls and how to ride a bike and go to T-ball practices with him and help him with his homework.
His (our) son is 11 wks. old. He is fantastic. He is in love with his daddy. He gets cranky if he doesn't get to see his daddy's face at certain times of day.
I've decided to take it in stride. I love my boyfriend. I take care of him now. If he became incompetent in certain areas, he's worth it to me enough to take care of him in those areas, too.
It would be just wonderful if he just broke down and went to the doctor and did everything they told him to, went through whatever treatments, drank carrot juice by the gallon that I would blend for him, quit smoking everything and became totally healthy and sober and beat whatever cancer he may have into remission.
It would be devestating to just pretend like everything is okay, and then one horrific day come home to him lying on the floor bleeding out of his mouth because of some weird extreme lung or respiratory failure.
Either way, it will be his choice. I now know what I have to do. While depending on him, I have to gain my own independence, for my success, and for "just-in-case."
I will save money.
I will let him decide about his health.
I will continue loving him. I will continue our life together.
I will go on.
I will call 9-1-1 if anything bad happens.
