2000-10-03 - 04:07:59
I have these wild daydreaming tangents.
They are vast and exotic.
Mostly, they are about my money obsessing. I'm getting over that, because I realized I am hoping for money that I'm not even trying to get. In other words, I sit there wishing for the winning lottery ticket, but, big surprise is, I don't even play the lottery except for once or twice a year.
Anyway, my daydreams are great and intriguing. See, I'll watch Oprah, and then I start to dwell on what might my passion be. What am I good at? The things that I am good at aren't exactly things that I enjoy doing. I have a lot of personal talents that could never go on a resume. I couldn't even tell my family about some of my accomplishments without getting laughed at or shrugged at. That's another thing that I'll get to later--what I am afraid of people thinking of me. I cook pretty good, I follow recipes good, I change diapers good, I make people laugh--well, just my best friend mostly--, I fart really good, I take a shower good, I type good, I push babies out good.
Okay, anyway, I sit here all day as I've mentioned before, taking care of three kids and a house and, of course, daydreaming.
I like to read, so, I went to the library last weekend and got three Hemingway books. I like him, but, I never appreciated the classics of his or of anyone else while I was attending high school and supposably learning about him/them. So, I dig reading and the way he writes, and then, I think of how I want to write, but, I don't really know how to do it in an orderly fashion even though in most of my English college classes I have gotten A's. (I have no self-confidence sometimes.) So, then, I dream of returning to school to major with a doctorate in Writing or Literature or English somehow. I think of all the classes I would take and all the things I would learn...then, I think of all the other classes that I still need to take to major in my beloved Psychology. I then, wonder why I never kept wanting to be a veterinarian. Then, I go on to think of how I should shoot for the moon and become a real people doctor of something. Then, I think of how I wanted to be a paramedic, then, I say, oh, hell, I should just become a trauma surgeon.
I just want to be something great. I always think that I want to know what people think of me. I want people to think I am great. Especially my children and any professors that I have. I just want to do great things. I want to experience interesting and exotic places and learn about all kinds of things. I want to take all kinds of classes and retain all of the important information. (Here's where my self-confidence is lacking.) I want people to look up to me for what I know and what I've learned and where I've gotten to go to. I want to be seen as a wise and intelligent person. I want to be the one to inspire people and make them discover great truths about themselves. Sigh. I just want to be great.
