2000-10-07 - 02:51:51
This is a bitch session. This is the reason I should listen to Oprah and start one of those annoying fucking gratitude journals.
My boyfriend and I were talking and I told him I was depressed. He asked what I was depressed for. I told him I was stressed out. He asked me what I could possibly be stressed out for. I sat and stared knowing that he doesn't even think I have anything wrong. See, he pays all the bills, and I get to "sit home all day." Well, while I'm here, I take care of three children under five years of age.
But, they are only mildly agitating at times...here are the sources of my stress:
If any cop or sheriff type people ever found my boyfriend and IDed him, he would go directly to jail for about one year. He is the only one paying all of our bills right now, and he works construction. Well, it's the rainy season, so, his paychecks suck these days.
My first two daughters aren't his. Their father won't give me any child support because there is no fucking "order" for it. He has only given me around three hundred dollars this whole year. Well, I tried to put an order in the courts for it and start my divorce over two damn years ago, and my lawyer sucks ass, because the final judgement still has not been signed. Today is our sixth fucking anniversary, something I never wanted to see. I have already paid my lawyer in full. It's the simplest divorce, we had no money, no property, I asked for no alimony, nothing. I just want child support and to have the kids with me. He's not even contesting this. I'm still waiting for them to finish everything.
He won't pay any child support on a regular basis. And both of them said their shoes were tight yesterday. Even if I wanted to tell him this, though, I don't know where to find him. He has no phone number and I think he is no longer living at his mom's. Even if I wanted to go over there and grill her or wait around until he showed up, I can't do that either, cuz she is schizophrenic and delusional and it's hard to even try to talk to her.
Even if she was mentally sound and willing to talk, she has no phone, and I can't get over there, cuz, my driver's license got taken away because my insurance had been cancelled, so as a result of them suspending my license, they also took my tag. So, my car is no longer registered. Even if it was, it was getting to be on it's last leg: no A/C in 90 degree weather, that funny noise, delayed oil change, that weird thing about how it eats gas all the time, that engine light that is always on...
Whenever I do want to go somewhere or if I have to go to the store, it is such a hassle. Especially if I have to go during the day while my man is at work. I have to take all the kids. And, it has to be a big car or a minivan, because EVERYONE is in a car seat.
Back to the divorce thing, it's also keeping me from being able to put my baby's father on the birth certificate, which is really embarrassing, but, our state says that if you are married and you have a baby, the husband is the legal father no matter what.
Speaking of my man, he is able to get a ride to work. Thank God for small favors. However, the co-worker that he rides with is a bad worker and is probably only able to continue working with that company because my boyfriend has to depend on him for a ride, and my boyfriend is someone who is badly needed by that company. Plus, he badly needs that job.
As far as us being poor right now, I tried to get assistance, but right now I have to lie to the state of oh, nevermind...it's none of your business. See, my boyfriend is wanted right now...really it's just a bench warrant, but, so what, a warrant is a warrant, m'kay. So, we can't say soandso is living with me, cuz he could get discovered and as a result, arrested. So, we tell them it is soandsomeoneelse. As far as these people know, I live with a friend who is nice enough to charge us hardly anything. So, my third child is soandso's, but, we have to act like soandso was someone who I hardly knew and don't have much information about...are you getting all of this? Okay, to sum it all up, I have to lie to try to see if they will keep feeding my children and let them get medical care for free. I might not get that assistance as it turns out, though, because they wanted statements from the girls' father on what he has given me this whole year. Well, the last time they asked me for such information and wanted him to fill out a form, he never sent it in like he said he was going to, and I never got assistance. Well, I was supposed to do that this time, also, but, I can't find him. He has no phone number or address. I don't know where he works and if he is working, it's most likely off the books. He's good like that.
So, the more I think about money, the more I just see that I am going to have to go back to work. Well, my prior work was...STRIPPING. Yes, I was a "dancer" and I quit once I started showing. I discussed this with my boyfriend and told him that I was going to go back...and made sure that he DID understand that I WAS GOING BACK eventually. He always, said, yeah, I know...Well, today on the back porch, I told him after he said he could only give me fifty dollars this week for groceries, that I would absolutely have to go back to dancing and that I saw no other alternative right now...especially with the cost of daycare. I only see myself really doing it like maybe a couple weekend nights and probably not every week. After all, I am the only one keeping the house up and caring for the children (but, that is our agreement). So, he said no. I said, no? He said, NO, you aren't going to work there anymore. I got frustrated, cuz this is the third time we have discussed this since I have had the baby. He always comes up with different reasons for me not going back there. First, it was that he had gotten attached to me and that he didn't want anyone else seeing me naked, besides him (I am not naked...I wear a g-string and tape over my nipples, m'kay). So, then, he said that he didn't want me to go, cuz I would keep doing it and wind up sleeping all day and not cleaning or taking care of the house (I would be tired, but, I could still manage and I never have or will live the lifestyle...I don't party or stay out after the bar has closed). Then, he said that he couldn't stay up all hours with the baby, cuz he has to work the next days (I would only do it on Friday and/or Saturday nights...he doesn't always work on the weekends, and the baby is starting to sleep through the night). Well, tonight, he said that he didn't want me in a place like that, naked dancing in front of drunk Mexicans and n-word-ers...(I hate that word...I myself, am not prejudiced at all). So, I just sat there and looked at the grocery list. I started editing it like always...I'm used to being poor. It saves a lot of time editing it, rather than embarrassing myself by having the innocent cashier void things off. So, I cut corners, looked through my coupons, found out that I had an extra twenty lying around. Okay, let's go to the store.
I haven't even tried to give my debate statements again as far as the stripping topic, because, I don't know, I really don't want to go there, either. But, I hate being without. On top of all this major legal worry that I've invited myself into, I owe on so many bills. I have old hospital emergency room bills. Little credit bills, like my auto account. Those two bad checks last year that they decided to collect for. Doctor's office bills for things I thought sure the insurance would cover.
And, on a personal note. I feel very frumpy. I want to be able to afford to go back to school and go to the gym and work out. I want to be able to afford to get my hair done. My roots are like 4 inches long. I don't feel pretty anymore. I need to win the lottery. No, wait, I need to play the lottery first.
